Tweets

Want to read a bunch of my tiny nuggets of something in one place? Here you go!

WARNING: Sailorish language, references to a lot of things, and jokes that you might get offended by if you’re the sort of person who reads warnings like this and then goes looking for things by which to get offended.

So how the fuck does Commissioner Gordon contact Batman if it’s not cloudy outside?

Overheard in my office: “I love historical films – ‘300’, ‘Prince Of Persia’, ‘Troy’…”

Hair didn’t look the way I wanted this morning, so I burned it. I am Hitler.

Billion dollar idea: Mid-nineties rap. Salt and Pepper. Together at last with, drumroll, Tupac Shakers!

My phone automatically capitalises some words & totally ruins the flow of my texts. “I want to lick your ASSHOLE” makes me sound too keen.

Sometimes, my mum is so proud of me that she cries. Just cries and cries and cries, and drinks and cries and cries.

When I don’t feel like sex, I tell my husband that I’m cheating on him because the truth is worse (I ate a whole block of cheese again).

Life is like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book in that I get bored halfway through and wanna watch cartoons instead.

My foot’s itchy and I have a shoe on! Aw man. Probably gonna have to kill myself.

People who mistreat animals, are homophobic or say “What’s cracka-lackin’?” are automatically out of my life.

Billion-dollar idea: A steampunk kung fu movie called “Konichiwa, Britches.” You are WELCOME, Hollywood.

Everyone with the surname “Dickinson”, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Ladies, try this hilarious joke: Cover yourself in blood. When people scream, laugh & tell them, “Don’t worry, it’s just from my vagina!”

Whenever I walk past someone cool, I turn down my ipod so they can’t hear my music and judge me.

I’m so disgusted that my best friend married her girlfriend! It totally wrecked MY marriage by floibel nrrgham blerp. Grrraawwg?

Whenever I jaywalk in front of kids, I feel like I’ve just shot heroin into my balls and told the kids to smoke crack.

Is it still cheating if you really really really really really really want to?

Bank dude was like, “We noticed suspicious activity on your account.” Instantly terrified I’ve been buying Brazilian fart porn in my sleep.

If I had a time machine, I would travel back to the 80s and start a big-hair band called Wham Bam Thank You Glam.

Hey @Kanyewest, I have an awesome endorsement idea for you! “Yeezy breezy beautiful Cover Girl.” Think about it. Call me. Give me swag.

Any time someone says a three-syllable word, I have to sing “Robots in disguise” after it because I was born in the 80s.

I ate gelati in a waffle cone for lunch and now I’m off to drink beer in the sunshine. This is exactly what I pictured grown-uphood to be.

I always carry around little bags of my friends’ hair, skin cells, fingernails, and semen/cervical cells, just in case. You never know…

When I get a compliment, I assume that the person was being sarcastic and spend the rest of the day hating myself. (I was raised Catholic.)

I never associate the neighbours I wave to with the people who must hear me singing 90s pop songs in the shower. It’s better that way.

If you take nude pics of your girlfriend, make sure you put them all over the internet. Otherwise, she’ll think you’re ashamed of her.

Don’t you hate it when you’re jerking off & you realise it’s not porn, it’s a refrigerator, & you’re in a stranger’s house, & you’re high?

Sometimes I worry that I’ll never live out my dream of playing tambourine in a death metal band.

Q: I’m thinking of a number. Which one? A: WRONG! I was actually thinking about Christ. Telepathy and gambling are devil’s notions.

“Easy-listening love songs from the nineties”: The most horrifying combination of words in the English language.

I could totally be a vegetarian if it wasn’t for my daily 10am turducken.

An email said it can help me “gain length and girth”. I’m gonna have the raddest neck of anyone I know! I’ll peer over hedges and shit.

Nothing says “I need to wear a pad because my asshole leaks” like a tramp stamp.

When I was young, I used to pretend I was being chased by people with Down’s Syndrome during Track and Field, so I’d run faster.

Panicked today because the word “ornery” popped into my head and I couldn’t remember what it meant. Gangsta.

Do you ever worry about all the calories you’re losing as you eat a deep-fried Snickers? Those things are crunchy! I need to lie down.

When I become a superhero/porn star, I’m gonna call myself The Flapdragon.

Lamb Chop’s Play-A-Long was the fucking illest.

I bet no black person has ever used the word “mollycoddle”.

Manfriend’s bike got stolen last night. Now he’s gonna make me pull him around in the Wife Sled again. I hate the Wife Sled! Argh.

I think my life would be a lot different if I wasn’t 14,000 beetles wearing the skin of man.

My grandfather used to say, “Meine hosen sind ältere gänse!” (“My pants are elderly geese!”). He was German, and senile.

Child abuse is BAD! 9 out of 10 people will realise that everyone knows this & that copying and pasting does nothing. Are you the asshole?

People who create facebooks for their infants/pets: Thank you. It’s such a more hygienic warning than throwing your faeces at passers-by.

A flaccid penis looks like a sad beige turtle out of its shell. Aw little squishy dude! It’s okay! Don’t be sad.

Sad? Apathetic? Anything less than joyous? Do a google image search of “hedgehog bath”. Go on. I’ll wait. Thank me later.

I’d sell my soul for a thruppence, because I love the way it sounds. Thruppence. Thrrrrruppence. Thruppence. Thruppence. Thruppence.

I’d let Ron Swanson give me all the bacon and eggs HE has! #breakfastfoodinnuendo #inYOURendo

So pretty much everyone who got a tattoo in Elvish back in 2002 really regrets it now, right?

When people tell me I’ve wasted my life, I smugly reply that I know all the words to both Gangsta’s Paradise AND the Weird Al Amish version.

Movie taglines like “If it were easy, men would do it too!” make me want to take an angry poop on Sarah Jessica Parker’s head. #ragepoop

Awesome new joke idea: Um… something about how “falafel” sounds kinda like “feel awful”. I’ll flesh it out later.

Whenever someone in a book is described as “crestfallen” I always wanna give them a hug and ice cream or show them my boobs or something.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT! Not everything you find in a bathtub is home brewed beer. Don’t make the horrible mistake I did.

If anyone is ever described as “mild mannered”, watch out! They’re a superhero by night.

I think I would have killed myself 13,000 times by now if it wasn’t for inspirational celebrity tweets.

If you can’t sell your child’s virginity online, what CAN you do with it?

When hippies talk, all I hear is, “Blah blah green blah blah I don’t wear shoes blah blah my pubic hair is in dreadlocks and I smell.”

When John retweets Jane’s “#FF John!” post, he is not actually being stupid. He is warning people away, like a colourful poisonous frog.

Friend said, “Don’t tell me what to do!” So I told her to do whatever she wants. That’s my version of a mind game.

I don’t think it’s too harsh to say that people who say “ATM machine” should be treated with the same level of abhorrence as pedophiles.

Sometimes I can’t remember which Corey is dead, Feldman or Haim, and I get so distressed and anxious that I can’t breathe.

Band name ideas: Smegma Party, Fist F*ck, Bert Newton’s Wig, Jizzum Teacakes, Atheist Priest, General Awesome

Want to write my own song about equality between all races. What rhymes with “jiggaboo”?

Unloading the dishwasher, playing my favourite game: Caked-on food or cockroach parts?

I don’t think my doctor is a real doctor. He makes me take my top off all the time, and also he works out of an alley and is a possum.

Lots of people know that ‘Turning Japanese’ is about masturbation, but did you know that so is ‘Tears In Heaven’?

Don’t you hate it when you’re in a Columbian prison camp and the guards don’t get your coffee order right, and also beat you severely?

I don’t think The Gays make baby Jesus cry. I think maybe he just has colic.

My manfriend is slightly obsessive compulsive, for which I display sympathy by moving all the furniture an inch to the left every time he leaves a room.

If you want me to do something after work, better ask me 0.3 secs after I get home. Any later than that and I’m in my jammies smoking crack.

Do you think the gay marriage debate will ever get as passionate and intense as the pulp-vs-no pulp orange juice issue?

Manfriend just called tampons “bullets”. Awesome. I needed a new vagina-related phobia.

How come “smegma” isn’t in the dictionary on my work computer?

Weight loss tip: Stand 400 metres away from the mirror. Look how tiny you are!

“Oh no, I don’t want to talk about ME. We’re here to promote a film.” -No actor, ever, unless they’re involved in a scandal.

I always lock the bathroom door when I home alone because I read that one time a woman didn’t, and ten years later she died of cancer

Think I might have conjunctivitis. One of my tweets must have gotten in my eye.

Do action movie characters ever eat pizza? “Woah woah woah, time out, sorry guys. No chasing today. I’m so bloated and crampy. Oh man.”

Whenever I open a book, I run my fingers over the cover & say the title out loud, just in case someone’s filming it for a scene in a movie.

Every man, no matter how straight, has had a boner for Jeff Bridges at some point. Science FACT.

::::) (That is an emoticon I made up. It’s a happy spider! Squish it.)

My flatmates have been gone for about 12 hours now. That’s, like, AGES, right? (I’ve licked all of their stuff and tried on their knickers.)

If a guy ever said he wanted to “make love” to me, I’d put on Enya & Toto. “No no,” I would say as he edged to the door. “You started this.”

Me: (reply to a tweet) Twitter: “One new tweet!” Me: “Oh cool, I wonder what that- Oh. It’s me.” EVERY DAMN TIME!

If I ever get a 500th follower (that’s a lot for a nobody like me), I will record myself singing the Creed song of that follower’s choice.

Is it still incest if you don’t swallow?

I’m feeling very European today. (Read: I am drunk on red wine and full of soft cheeses.)

Most people don’t know that I host my own TV show. Well, webcast. Podcast. Sometimes I sing real loud when I know the neighbours can hear.

Sometimes my boss reminds me of George Bluth Sr from Arrested Development, in that he eats ice cream sandwiches and lives in my attic.

The best thing about having Man Flu is the temporary penis I grow! Whee! I’mma dangle this thing all over everyone’s stuff. (feverish laugh)

When I have a kid, I’m gonna tell it that sometimes socks grow teeth and eat people’s toes. Ha ha!

My stomach is ROCK HARD*! (*Because it is swollen with lasagna.)

I think a good ice-breaker when you first meet someone is to jump on their back and yell, “FALCOR!”

Sometimes I like to confuse the ants in our bathroom by covering them with my hand-shadow so they think it’s night-time.

I don’t floss because if I wanted a mouthful of blood every night, I’d become a werewolf.

Mons pubis. Inverted nipples. Midget on a skateboard. Bert Newton’s wig. (I want the people googling these things to find my twitter.)

I’m a coolness ninja. I’m cool in such a sneaky way that most people can’t even realise I’m doing it.

I avoid Twitters where people describe themselves as a “proud parent”, “husband/wife” or “Lady Gaga fan”. Keep that shit to yourselves..

That awkward moment when the waiter says, “Enjoy your meal!” and you scream, stab them with a fork and run out of the restaurant.

Sometimes I worry that I will die suddenly and the mortician will judge me when my stomach contents are six kilos of cheese and a Maxibon.

KKK members must go through a lot of NapiSan.

Confession time: I’m a little bit psychic. I can tell when someone’s thinking about me just by the taste of their tears.

If you go to someone’s house for dinner and they don’t serve you turducken, you should probably end the friendship right there.

24 hours since I told @arnettwill to not reply if he was cool with me marrying/camping with him and his wife. So far so good! (buys tent)

A lot of people seem to get tattoos of what their loved ones would look like with Down’s Syndrome.

When you take a dump on your boyfriend’s chest, do you ever look down and go, “Ooh, corn!”?

That awkward moment when you text someone that you’re a vagitarian and they think it’s a typo.

Anyone else miss old school Post Secret, when it was like, “I cross-dress, bitches!” and not, “I never said I love you and now you’re dead”?

Before you have kids, you and your partner should agree that no matter how hot they get when they’re older, you will never sleep with them.

I’m a little bit like mashed potatoes: White, bland, covered in butter and sitting on your plate next to your steak like, “Wassup?”

Can’t stand people who get self-righteous about drinking Fair Trade coffee, like they don’t microwave hamsters for fun like the rest of us.

You should choose a career based on your interests. My interests are Mr T, cheese, Batman and the Fresh Prince theme song. So… chef?

Cheese that smells like feet: Tasty! Feet that smell like cheese: Not so tasty. 😦 I learned that the hard way.

“You think you’re smarter than me?! Listen up, you little punk, I made you. And now I’m going to destroy you.” -Me, talking to my dessert.

Who are we? Why are we here? What are we doing in the neighbour’s bathtub? Whose hand is that? Did you pee in the bath? I don’t like this.

I don’t mean to alarm anyone…. So, sorry if I have. It was unintentional. Sorry. Sorry.

I think I lost my virginity when I was eight, and I rode a horse bareback, and then afterwards we fucked.

When someone tells me to pick up strawberries from Coles & I remember to do it, I feel like primitive hunters did when slaying a mammoth.

Flatmates are going away for 2 weeks. What do I do first, jump around naked on all the furniture or loudly rap Eminem’s entire catalogue?

The “bird” and “plane” guys who saw Superman must have just been released from an underground prison after 20 years to be that hyped up.

Instead of arguing about God, religion and politics, let’s all get together and agree that Nutella is fucking delicious.

Turn around, every now and then I get alumsomethingsomething, and then I see the look in your eyes. Turn around, whiiiiitte guy! (Nailed it)

One time I thought a couple on a train were eating their baby’s face, but it turned out it wasn’t a baby at all, it was fish & chips.

Workmate just asked why I never seem to lose any weight. I’d smother her with my fat rolls, but I’m stuck in my chair and I smell cake.

Love is so easy to give away. We often forg- Wait, love? No. Those shitty bits of paper & tissue you find in your pockets. Got mixed up.

You know when you go to a public bathroom & the stalls are full so you pretend you just need to wash your hands? ME NEITHER!

My friend is talking about Dr Who. I just nodded and said “Matt Smith”, which was apparently a successful bluff. I’m in the clear. For now.

I think if I had a baby unicorn I’d be really sad if it didn’t want to eat marzipan out of my hand, because HOW CUTE WOULD THAT BE???

Holy shit I just realised that it’s been years since I used a placemat. Shut! Down! Everything!!!

When will people learn? 100% of naked pics your partner will take of you are to show their friends. (I’m the friend. You’re hot. Nice boobs)

The only time it’s acceptable to have a wedding/pregnancy blog is when the sole entry is dedicated to apologising for having a wedding/pregnancy blog.

I hate when I think I feel my phone vibrate and it just turns out that a lobster got into my bag somehow.

It’s been over 10 years, but I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that if Hogwarts was real, I’d be Hufflepuff. And that’s okay.

Caffeine addiction’s not, like, a serious thing, right? (casually sucks spilled coffee out of a sponge)

MY THEORY: England doesn’t exist anymore. The accent only remains so actors can play smart people or characters from the past.

People born in the 90s shouldn’t be old enough to drink or drive or cross the street by themselves without a grown-up.

Eating broccoli is like eating a tiny, lush forest. Mmm, eensy trees.

If I was a man/lesbian, I’d want my woman to have more pubic than facial hair. Also I’d want her to call me Sarge.

At dinner, my friend said she’d never heard of Mr T. I threw my meal in her face, ripped off all my clothes and ran laughing into the night.

Does Darkwing Duck have an official twitter?

If you have to explain a joke to someone, it wasn’t for them. If you have to explain it to someone who WOULD laugh, you told it wrong.

Words I only know because of crosswords: Epee, ewer, sec. Words I only know because of the Internet: Fandom, goatse, meme, fuuuuuuuu!!!

Right now, someone, somewhere is deciding to use “horseradish” as their safe word.

Question: How many novelty animal-themed salt shakers are too many? AHA TRICK QUESTION! There IS no limit! I feel like a giant farmer.

I am NOT a square just because I think that when you suspect unlawful activities are afoot, you should inform the constabulary post-haste.

Bad thing: Gross pulpy bruises on fruit. Worse thing: I don’t know, your mum dies? Lots of things are worse than bruised fruit. Jeez.

Do you think I’ll ever regret my tramp stamp of Steve Buscemi? Yeah, me neither. I love you, Steve!

I can’t be the only one who circles the bogan baby names they find in the Herald Sun, right? Shyann. Micaylah. Anything with an apostrophe.

Forgot my phone. Proud of myself for remembering pants. It’s one of those days.

Words I wanna bring back: Rapscallion. Fisticuffs. Hullabalo. Kerfuffle. Balderdash. Hooey.

#everygirl hates it when you show up to her place wearing dirty jeans and a mask made from the skin of her dead father’s face. #getitright

#everygirl has that moment where they’re like, “Eh, fuck toxic shock,” and they leave it in for one more hour.

The main reason I want to be cremated is because I don’t want a bunch of emo goth idiots having a picnic or screwing on my tombstone.

Landlord just told me I can’t get a dog. 😦 But she didn’t say anything about a chimera! I’m gonna name it Grapthor and ride it to work.

I want a t-shirt with a duck with, like, a cast on its leg and the words “Sick my duck!”. That’s why I don’t work for Gucci anymore.

Why don’t prospective employers ever ask which Ninja Turtle I am? Probably because they’ve already figured it out from my costume.

I hate when I show up to a party wearing a beard of bees, and some other chick’s wearing the exact same thing. ARGH! #womenproblems

Flatmate: “My bum’s itchy. Think I got worms from passing out in the mud.” I say “flatmate” cos if I say “husband”, people judge my choices.

Taking an online quiz to see which Bible hero I am. I hope I get Spiderman!

How come “honkey” isn’t in my predictive text on my phone? Das just racist. (adds it to dictionary)

It’s official: I want to have dorky very-white cocktails with Anne Hathaway, during which we will both laugh a lot and snort while we do it.

I have Shania Twain stuck in my head. Did someone put a weird Canadian voodoo curse on me? That don’t impress me much (dammit).

My favourite part of Breakfast At Tiffany’s is Mickey Rooney’s Asian character. “HERRO!” Haw haw! That IS how they talk! Ah, classic racism.

I smell burnt toast. Either I’m having a stroke or something delicious is about to happen! Either way I’m excited.

I can see my breath INSIDE the house. It’s okay though, because I’m pretending to be a dragon. Raaawr! Look out, villagers!

“Is it cheating if I’m transported to another dimension against my will and I make out with the You of that reality?” –Things I ask my partner

This weekend, I learned that there’s a part of my brain that has steadfastly clung to the knowledge of who voiced Darkwing Duck back in ’93.

I wish that every time my FB friends post the video to that new Goyte song, they were instead mailing me delicious sweet baked goods.

If you ask me, and people rarely do for some reason, The Monkees were head and shoulders above The Beatles. I don’t care what anyone says.

You know when you go to press the Down key and accidentally press the Up one, and you think you’re travelling through time?

Ladies: Are you more than 50kg? Ew! Gross! Try my Prisoner Of War diet: 1/2 cup of stale rice and ten lashing a day. Skinny AND exfoliated!

Always have dreams that I’m friends with Eminem, the Jackass boys or Mighty Boosh. Then I wake up & I’m stuck with you goobers. 😦

Why are vampires considered sexy? Cold hands! COLD HANDS, PEOPLE!!! Think about it. (Think about cold hands on your bits.)

Best part of being a girl: Being allowed to burst into tears when someone calls you “Sir”.

You know how people will say, “Aw, I used to change your diaper!” Does that sentence turn you guys on too? …I mean… Yeah. Me neither.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find and eliminate all people who refer to today as “Hump Day”. Godspeed.

Just once, I want “Suddenly, it all went black” to meant that Denzel and Samuel L arrived and started being badass and giving wise advice.

I’m not gonna yell at the sexy lady on TV to not go into the basement, because she won’t learn anything if I do. (Aw, yes I am. RUN, CINDY!)

Someone on formspring just told me, “You are so simple.” I’m glad that comes across in my answers/tweets. Representin’ the real me, y’all!

I love things that are so ugly they’re cute, like a pug puppy or a midget with psoriasis.

Pretending to be Jamie Oliver in the kitchen = Really fun. Pretending to be Jamie Oliver in the bedroom = Really disturbing.

Just because I giggle uncontrollably every time I buy a tub of “Greek style” yogurt, it doesn’t make me less of an adult, right? Hee hee!

My brain & my calculator got different results. You know what this means: The rules of math no longer apply! Everybody riot in the streets!

I was just called “the strongest person in the office”. The others are a 66 year old & a girl who weighs 32 kilos, but still. I’M HERCULES!

Each day, I humbly work to dispel the myth that beautiful people can’t also be intelligent and hilarious, one hysterical witticism at a time.

No one ever says “someday, you’ll understand” about fun stuff. “Someday, you’ll understand what it’s like to eat cotton candy on a dragon.”

Producers think that seeing Julia Roberts smiling on a motorbike makes me want to see a movie, when in fact the opposite is true. #science

I just found a website where people poop on each other for pleasure! What have I been doing on twitter? Pfft, later squares.

Is it racist that everything I know about Mexicans comes from Old El Paso commercials? They hold children aloft, eat tacos and go “Eyy!”.

My dad is using my facebook status to inform everyone of his favourite ‘Species 3’ quote. That’s not what facebook is for, dad!

Whenever multivitamins make my pee really yellow, I pretend I’m radioactive and that this might be the time I get superpowers.

Why do emails from Max Enlargement Pills and Debbie-who-lives-close-by always go to my Junk folder? Those are the ones I MOST need to read!

Tried to channel my inner Mr Miyagi and menace someone by saying, “I’ll wax YOU off!” Did not have the desired effect.

A guy I know thinks he’s so smart because he’s studying geopolitics. I’m like, “Pfft, rocks don’t have politics, goober.”

I think if I was pregnant and got an “outie” bellybutton, I’d have to hate the kid forever and name it something stupid like Milton.

Is it an abuse of my secretarial powers that I always steal the Kleenex boxes with cute baby seals on them? With great power, etc.

Are elephants really scared of mice? What would happen if Insp. Gadget & Batman teamed up? Why weren’t Arial’s human legs hairy? #insomnia

Is it racist that I sometimes get Jimi Hendrix, Barack Obama and Al Jolson mixed up?

Never yell “Rape”. Yell “Free cookies!”. People will come faster & if they don’t, maybe the rapist will get distracted by the cookies.

I was gonna go for a walk but it’s raining. Eating burns calories too, right? I am the Macgyver of finding ways to exercise. Num num num.

A crystal paperweight is basically just a big way to say, “Fuck you, poor people,” isn’t it?

Looking at Animal Adoption websites the way some people look at porn. Shit. NO! I mean, I want a dog so bad. Fuck, this is coming out wrong.

So awkward when someone says they’re an alcoholic & you say, “Haha, me too,” and they’re serious. Same with “child molester” or “juggalo”.

Sometimes I put steel wool on my head and pretend to be Judi Dench. What? I don’t have a grey wig. Don’t act like you haven’t tried it.

Hey, guys. Guys. Call them “panties”. Mature, confident women with no daddy issues just LOVE it when you do that. Trust me.

Kegels totes count as exercise, right? I’m trying to justify the superhuman amount of nachos I’m about to ingest.

Makers of ‘Sucker Punch’ should have just yelled, “I hate women! I hate women! Oh god why won’t they talk to me?!” for two hours.

I have a mini-breakdown whenever Word or Excel asks if I want to “Save Changes” when I swear I haven’t made any. What if I’m losing my mind?

I wonder if there are people out there who are still really depressed that ‘Catch Phrase’ was cancelled.

#ineedtostop screaming, “Sorcery!” whenever I see a motorised wheelchair or mixed race couple.

#youcantdateme if you think all superheroes are the same. BATMAN IS THE BEST, HE HAS NO SUPERPOWERS, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!

Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat because I’m married to someone who hates The Office (BBC).

My dad is so excited about Meat Loaf coming to Australia. I think he’d sell his firstborn for tickets, which isn’t good news for me.

I really hope today is the kind of day where I get to use the word “pfeffernüsse”.

My husband calls me “Ham Wife” because when I have bad dreams, I sweat like a ham left out of the fridge. Do you think the magic’s gone?

Made a happy noise at work when I saw that there were @Seanbabydotcom articles I hadn’t read. Had to pretend it was a high-pitched fart.

Bought highlighters & automatically went to use the ugly colours so someone else could have the nice ones. Every day’s like this in my head.

Being called a “starlet” is only a step above being called a “Nazi sympathiser”. Either way, it’s time to re-evaluate your life choices.

Theme restaurant idea: “M Night Shambalya”, where you eat delicious jambalaya… that is POISONED! Or served by an ALIEN! Or actually GUMBO!

Overheard today: Woman to woman: “Yogurt is my saviour.” Man to man: “You know what kind of bitches I like?” Stand-up comics, assemble!

All boys are supposed to have a penis but I don’t have one, I think the second mouth I have down there ate it up. 😦

I wonder how many unexplained suicides were triggered by people suggesting funny movies to friends who didn’t laugh ONCE.

Know your cultures! Fat people on TV in cloudy weather: British. Fat people on TV with 7/11 beverages: American. Don’t be ign’ant.

Do you think Danny De Vito gets annoyed at being asked about Kylie all the time?

If you’ve ever typed the word “splitsville”, you are not a real journalist.

7 out of 10 people* think I am cooler than Fonzie. (*Me in the mirror, wearing different hats.) Eyyyyy!

How did TWO people find my website by googling “short hair for fat people”? My hair’s not that short.

Flatmates are putting rubbish into a bin that is not our bin. I’m burning the house down so they can never find our fingerprints.

I answer “yes” to “Have you ever shoplifted?” because when I was eight, I stole a 10-cent lolly from the supermarket. Thug life.

Wanted: A remake of “The call is coming from inside the house!” urban legend, where the twist is that Hugh Laurie swallowed a mobile. Bam!

Just nearly took a sip of coffee without adding sugar first. “I Shouldn’t Be Alive: Level 1 (for beginners).”

Here’s something fun to try: Next time you’re listening to music, become aware of every breath the singer takes. Fantastic!

Any time you’re feeling down about your life, just remember that someone, somewhere, currently has gum stuck in their pubic hair.

I’m the only one in the office. You know what THAT MEANS! (It means I’ve rubbed my balls on everyone’s keyboards.)

I don’t judge people by race, gender or sexuality, but if they specify that their email address has capital letters, I feel very superior

From Breaking Bad, I’ve learned that having cancer & dealing meth are not nearly as stressful as having friends offer you assloads of money.

Doing blackface is cool if it’s Australia Day and you use Vegemite, right? I’m putting on a very tasteful play.

My flatmate just told me he ignored my scream last night because he figured it was just a spider. WRONG. BAD INSTINCTS! It was a moth.

Hate when I’m in a public toilet and people can hear me undoing my velcro stripper pants to take a wee.

I’ve just been nominated for an Academy Award! Wait, no. Sniffed by a hobo. Still a compliment though.

My boss just said he was off to “the fang bandit” and didn’t understand why none of us immediately realised that he meant “dentist”.

Million-dollar idea: Engagement ringworm. I’m not sure how it would work yet, but don’t steal my idea!

Sex is like pizza: Even if it’s bad, it still tastes like cheese.

I love Breaking Bad, but if I wrote it there would be more hilarious road trips in which Walt and Jesse develop a touching father-son bond.

Twitter went over capacity so I threw myself out of my office window screaming “It’s the end of days!” but it’s back so I’m okay now.

Thrush is the yeast of my problems.

When people use words wrong it literally makes my brain explode.

I don’t hate fat people, I just think they should hate themselves.

I want to lick Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones partially BECAUSE his name is Benedict Cumberbatch, and I’m not ashamed.

Someone found my website by googling “grossly obese women”. The universe always ensures I stay grounded and humble.

Anyone else mentally pronounce it, “SOH-pa!” in a lively Spanish accent, imagining festive confetti and tacos being thrown into the air? #SOPA

Whatever I do in life, I know that it’s all inevitably leading to my future as a cat lady who writes Murphy Brown fanfiction.

This is a serious question, but do you reckon that any black people like Ben Folds Five?

Looking at my unfashionable clothes and out-of-date technology, it’s easy to mistake me for a hipster.

“Oh my god, this comedy sketch about writing a comedy sketch is the funniest, most creative thing I’ve ever seen!” -Nobody. Ever. Stop it.

Girls don’t poo, so I have no explanation for what I just did behind this gazebo.

Not saying I have superpowers, but I can tell exactly how many STDs a girl has just by the number of stars tattooed on her foot.

I don’t bite my nails, but sometimes I nibble on them in case I find food! I am a modern day hunter-gatherer.

Now I ain’t sayin’ she ugly, but she is a different ethnicity to me and I think that’s weird and scary.

Coffee’s awesome for when I’m tired and sluggish and I want to be tired and jittery. AH! What was that? Phone rang. Scared me. Ah! Zzz.

Sometimes I wonder if how I feel about wanting to give all unwanted pets a proper home is how Angelina Jolie feels about ethnics.

Anyone else not sleep last night because of the heat and how noisy the people in the dungeon basement were?

Let’s face it, no one outside of a TV CSI/action series ever uses the word “triangulating”. Or “semen”.

I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t have at least three backup rape whistles.

So did Annie every call Michael Jackson back to let him know she was okay? I missed the second episode.

Damn kids with your ghetto blasters and your pop rocks.

Just read an article in which a woman spoke about her kids, Natashja and Xzavaier. I’m on-hold with Child Services as I write this.

Someone on FB: “I love you, mum!” Me: “Aw, that’s so sweet!” Someone else on FB: “I love you, hubby!” Me: “Go kill yourself.” #mesosilly

Just started watching Breaking Bad. It’s awesome! What else have I been missing? Maybe tonight I’ll ride in a horseless carriage!

Say what you will about Steve Butler, because I don’t know who that is.

Never trust anyone who calls themselves a “comedian”, a “deep thinker” or a “court-appointed psychiatrist”.

Just hacked someone’s FB with the worst status I could think of: “Don’t blame me, I voted for Tony Abbott.”

If I ever have a deer, I’m gonna call it “Watson” because ELEMENTARY, DEER WATSON! Ohh I have to go lie down.

Keep forgetting my pants have no pockets today. Have to pretend I’m rubbing my hips to check them for tumours.

I think if I ever had something REALLY important to say, I’d write it on a bunch of cards and hold them up to a camera over touching music.

Whenever I see someone trying to convince facebook how great their relationship/partner is, I assume they cry themselves to sleep at night.

“Beyonce’s tragic miscarriage.” Aw man, I wanted to read about her fun-filled one at the water slide park. News media doesn’t get me.

You know that Rihanna song that goes, “Suck my cockiness, lick my persuasion, I love it when you eat it”? Do you think that’s about nachos?

Knock knock. Who’s there? A MURDERER! #scarytwitterstories

Nearly walked into a wall today because I was wondering what it would be like to play the maracas for the band Cake. Remember them? Cake?

What doctors and magazines won’t tell you is that the labia majora is pretty much only useful for signalling traffic.

Whenever a song says, “It’s so cold without you,” I be like, “Bitch, ain’t you ever heard of blankets? Or heating? Or cuddly warm puppies?”

“Boom, shake shake shake the room. Tick tick tick tick, BOOM.” -John Lennon

Uncircumcised guys keep loose change and stuff in their foreskins, right? It’s like a man-purse?

It is my solemn duty to giggle every time someone says “duty”, because it sounds like “doody”. Hee hee heeeheheheeeheheheeheheh.

I’d be surprised if you knew that 48% of the world’s beeswax comes from China, because it’s a very little-known fact that I just made up.

Every time you get a turned-in eyelash represents a time in a past life when you used the “n” word or lied about baking from scratch.

Argh, it makes me SO MAD when shitty old 80s bands cover Glee songs.

My sister @fidged wrecks EVERYTHING*! (*Cottage cheese. By saying “THRUSH!” every time I’m about to eat it.)

Look, you ungrateful assholes, when I kill your kid and leave him on your doorstep, it’s clearly a GIFT! Otherwise I’d just keep him! Fuck.

Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as thin feels” obviously never ate anything with melted cheese all over it.

Meant to write “amidst” but wrote “amidget” instead. The spell went totally wrong and now my house is full of Little People. Shit.

There are some things you can only say to a true friend, like “I need someone to talk to,” or “Can you check and see if I’ve pooed myself?”.

I talk a lot during movies. My husband just did a fart so bad that I can’t feel my face and I’ll never be happy again. We all compromise.

If your name is Wayne, I can guarantee that you’ve told a cop to fuck off at least once.

All the best chefs are men: Jamie Oliver, Iain Hewittson, Gordon Ramsay, Nigella Lawson. #facts #cooking #huey

How many penises have you ever seen? WRONG! The correct answer is “Jesus”.

Based on my Hide And Seek skills from the 90s, I will be among the first to perish in a zombie apocalypse. #icanseeyoubehindthecouch

“Hey, remember that time they sang a song/got off a plane/crossed the road? Let’s talk about that for 40 years.” -Fans of The Beatles

It’s raining and thundering quite spectacularly. I don’t have a car. You know what this means! Stop. Bumbershoot time. (beatboxes)

I miss when Rick Santorum just made music. He never should have quit Bon Jovi to be in politics. #America #Livingonaprayer

How come it’s called a “souped up” engine? Do you feed cars broth to make them stronger? Because I didn’t learn that in mechanic school!

I love being Gen Y and being able to blame my personality flaws on being Gen Y.

I hate when really cool people humble-brag about being “awkward”. Fuck you. That is OUR word. We’re a culture, not a costume.

Two types of people in this world: People who like Futurama, and people who don’t make you watch Futurama to try to convince you it’s funny.

They say love’s the most important thing, but I bet they wouldn’t say that if they’d just realised they were out of toilet paper.

Pizza for breakfast, pizza for lunch, Jew babies for dinner. Ahh, just kidding, pizza for dinner too. #hangoverfood

I’m not sure if I hate Past Me for drinking so much or love her for packing a toothbrush because she knew we’d pass out on someone’s floor.

Captain Morgan, he’s my hero! Gonna something something Emperor Nero!

Amos trying to solve a finger puzzle without breaking it is like when elephants play with the hidden rock camera on Animal Planet.

There is cheese in my belly and a purring cat on my lap. I am happier than Hitler in a shocking and inappropriate joke.

I am watching Big Bang Theory for the first time. I don’t really know what’s happening but the laugh track assures me it’s hilarious.

Sending a mass Merry Xmas text is a good way to learn which of your friends is Jewish.

If I ask who your hero is and you don’t say Batman, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar or one of the Ninja Turtles, we must part ways my friend.

10 People Who Lie To You Every Day: Me, when I tell you I’m not Batman. It’s a SECRET identity, people! Also nine other guys, I guess.

Listened to Korn this morning. Used to have that album on cassette. So many 90s references in their songs that Hanson Tool Time Baywatch.

Imagine if you looked in the mirror… and there was a MURDERER BEHIND YOU! And a SPIDER ON YOUR FACE! And your hair was kind of BLEH!

I hate when Nazi soldiers arrive and I’m sitting there in my bib like, “Aw man, I thought you said GAZPACHO!” Ruins my whole afternoon.

Was gonna join a gym but then I saw an ad for protein powder in the corner of my screen and I thought, “Hey, yeah!” So I just got Photoshop.

When someone asks, “Why?”, I say, “SCIENCE!” in a deep, authoritative voice and hope they forget that I’m naked in their living room.

My horoscope for today says that I shouldn’t listen to frauds or quacks. Shit. I have no idea what to do now.

When you come to my house, I let you pick whether you want to give me a full-body massage or bake me little cakes, because you’re the guest.

I’d brake for a dog or cat, but I wouldn’t have sex with my grandma even if she hadn’t been dead for nearly 20 years. There’s a difference.

Which song should I sing when I get drunk at the work Xmas party: ‘Whoop There It Is’, ‘Lips Of An Angel’, ‘Gold Digger’ or ‘Ghostbusters’?

Answering handwritten ads posted on telephone poles sure seems like a good way to not get murdered and dismembered.

What kind of world do we live in where I can rub Medium Spicy salsa all over my naked body and run around my backyard but gays can’t marry?

Totally just convinced my young, adorably naive co-worker that sex is illegal for people over 55. #amusingmyself

I think if I went “off the grid” and never had to pay taxes again, the first thing I’d do is make a youtube video about it.

There’s something in my roof, shuffling and scratching about all night. Pretty sure it’s Tina Yothers.

As far as I can tell, jogging leads to two things: Sudden aneurysms and the discovery of dead bodies beside woodland tracks. No thank you.

Anyone want me to live-tweet this Rob Lowe TV movie? He and his wife are having problems, but his daughter just hugged him so it’s ok.

There will never be a more mystifying journey than the trip from the doctor’s exam room back to the waiting room. Where AM I?

I get the feeling that some people take my tweets literally. That worries me. You should ALL be taking them literally. This isn’t a game.

The “recommendations for you” selected by YouTube make me look like a serial killer who never changes out of their mother’s underwear.

Hey baby, why don’t you come to my place and we can think up really awkward metaphors for crazy sex acts?

Hey baby, wanna come to my place and jam? I’m not in a band – every Monday I sit in a bathtub full to jam. Room for 2 (if I bend my knees).

This year, I’ve got to make sure I drink a LOT at the work Christmas party so I’m not self-conscious when I tell the boss I think he’s sexy.

Thought something fell off a shelf in the other room, but it was just a rapist sneaking around. So nothing’s broken. Whew.

If I was an actor in “dramatic recreations” for documentaries, I’d probably lie and tell people I was a hooker.

I know it’s probably a pipe dream, but one day I really hope to be one of the founding members of Crosby Stills and Nash (and Young).

Oh wait, did you say you live in BrisVEGAS? Well shut my mouth! And is that a daiquiri in your profile pic? You must be crazy at parties!

Just spend 3 hours piercing my face and dying my hair pink & green. Time to sit at Flinders St Station and bitch about people staring at me.

Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat and I can’t get back to sleep until I’ve made absolutely sure that they haven’t stopped publishing GOOP.

It’s 5:43am. I have not slept. I have passed through the eye of the storm and know no fear. The harvest moon is rising. I want warm milk.

Hate it when I bite into a fresh, juicy pear and it’s filled with human excrement and old VHS copies of Young Einstein. Ruins my whole day.

You’re probably never going to be taken seriously if your parents name you Mindy, Ryder or Cumballtits. Not even if you become a lawyer.

Dilemma: I look mentally-unhinged when I smile, but obviously grumpy when I don’t. How can I reassure my hostages that I’m a nice person?

Hipsters are tainting my genuine, non-ironic love of things that are daggy, ugly and stupid.

At the time I didn’t think about it, but it was probably pretty radical of my old church to start every service with ‘My Neck My Back’.

Just jerked off to a honeymoon tape. Not the best. Dad was drunk and mum didn’t look into it at ALL. Three stars.

So, uh, hehehe, have um, haha, have Korn released that dubstep album yet, because, mmmph, I’m really looking forward to hahahHAAHAHAHAHA!

Awesome stripper/burlesque performer name: Frottage Cheese. Don’t steal it! That’s MINE to use when my life goes off the rails, not yours.

If I’m at your house for dinner and you try to serve me anything, ANYTHING, with less than half a tub of peanut butter in it, I will leave.

Sometimes when I’m watching action movies, I feel genuinely sad for all the people who will be late because of the car chases. 😦

I’m out of bed and I’m walking around on my hind legs! Where’s my treat?

“Boobies boobies boobies!” -Pope John Paul IV

“Woah everyone, relax. Calm down. It’s just the internet. It doesn’t really matter.” -Someone who has never been on a message board

I tend to wear outfits that suggest that they were selected with great attention and consideration by my personal carer.

I hate when people say, “I’m so OCD”. No, you’re OBSESSIVE. You’re not the DISORDER. That’s what I’M OCD about.

Today I learned that @AmosJPhillips thought that gerbils, hamsters and guinea pigs were all the same thing. That is so unbelievably racist.

Every time I say, “I’ll get you next time, Gadget!” I always have to do it in Dr Claw’s voice.

The skater boys down the road were playing “Let’s Blow Stuff Up And Laugh” again. Now there are firetrucks. Sunrise, sunset.

My workmate is telling me that Finding Nemo is clearly an Australian film because part of it “was filmed in Sydney”. Is it cider time yet?

It’s Summer now… So do I tie the dead possums to my knees or my elbows before a formal event? I can never keep track of fashion rules!

What I want to know is, where was MISTER Sogyny when all this discrimination was going on?

If I could be any animal, it would be an ice cream sandwich. (I’m not very good at this game.)

When someone’s really perverted, I like to call them King Leer. Haw haw haw haw haw! ………….Someone be perverted so I can use my joke.

They wouldn’t be allowed to make Fruity Pebbles now. They’d have to call them LGBT Pebbles or Happy Rocks.

How many miles to Babylon? Twenty-two. I am very, very lost. I’m supposed to be in Minsk.

It sucks when someone tells you, “I just don’t love you any more, Carl,” especially when your name isn’t Carl and they’re your dentist.

My phone changes “sex” to “pew”. Hee! I’m firing a tiny little ladyparts gun! Pew pew pew!

Went to someone’s house and they didn’t have one of those honey-drizzing things for my cereal. Barbarians! How am I expected to eat now?

I think it’s okay to call your lover pet names like “baby” or “cutie-pie”, but not once they’re out of diapers. Then it just gets creepy.

Just learned that the Welsh word for “microwave” is “popty ping”. I want a popty ping in which to make popty corns!

At the risk of sounding like a lesbian: Taco taco taco taco taco!

So there was a guy named Vadislav is the credits of a film. And I said: “Vadislav? Baby don’t hurt me!” Yeah? Yeah??? No one appreciates me.

I’m gonna name my first kid Beernuts so it makes sense when I leave him in an ashtray next to some alcoholics.

Probably my biggest beef with the internet is that there’s only one website devoted to my feet.

Haven’t grocery shopped in a while. What should I have for dinner, half a mouldy bread slice with seeded mustard or pasta with soy sauce?

Oh, so “shart” isn’t a word, Words With Friends? Then WHAT DID I JUST DO ON THE BUS, Words With Friends?

The sexiest text I ever recieved simply said, “Menulog delivery order confirmed.” You bet your ass it was, baby.

So I walked past an Asian with a giant afro yesterday. Are we still playing Stereotypically-Unlikely Haircuts bingo?

Five people on the tram were playing Draw Something. Not even jealous of their smart phones because FUCK YOU Snake is still cool!

New favourite hobby: Saying “penis” to the dog in an old-man voice. Hee hee, she doesn’t know it’s rude! Penis penis penis.

Next time someone asks me when I’m planning to have kids, I’m gonna say that I only have sex on my period. They started this personal shit.

“Fuck, that chick is way skinnier than me. I should look like that. I’m so f- Oh wait no, she’s Asian, never mind.” -My brain, every day.

So funny how heaps of people use “so funny” as a euphemism for “retardedly stupid” because they think it sounds less bitchy.

So wait, are Morgan Freeman and Martin Freeman brothers or cousins? I always forget which.

Hey, Mrs Hoffman! Your FACE will never amount to anything! Ha! (Man I wish I’d thought of that 15 years ago.)

I won’t go into detail about what I just did cos kids might be reading, but let’s just say it rhymes with “smashterbated to Tom Beluise”.

Man, I wish the fat chick who lives in my mirror would get out of the way so I can see if this dress works with these shoes.

One year, that’s the anniversary where you give them toenails, yeah? Ooh, Amos is gonna love his breakfast!

“This is soap! Do not eat!” Fuck you, stop making delicious soap!

Workmate: (reading newspaper quiz) “Which comic book hero-” Me: “BATMAN!” Workmate: “That’s actually correct.” Of course it is.

Please don’t favourite or RT this tweet. I don’t want to change the world TOO much.

Happy International Women’s Day to all mah bitchez, even the ugly ones cos today is about SISTAHOOD yo!

A good question on a first date is, “What’s your favourite movie with Ewan McGregor’s penis in it?” because everyone has one.

You know that song, “If you’re happy and you know it, poop your pants?” Babies and my Uncle Al must always be happy.

Really, it’s no more awkward accidentally touching my dog’s vulva than when it happens with human friends and family.

Best way to reward yourself for weight loss is a new book or DVD, so you have something to do while you wait for the pizza to arrive.

What would the expression be if Fonzie never jumped that shark? “Won the lottery” from ‘Roseanne’? “Got Dawned” from ‘Buffy’?

Twas the night before Hogswatch and all through the night, no one got my Discworld references so screw you all I hate you I’m going home.

I mean if we can’t even get Pringles cans big enough for your whole hand, what was the point of 9/11?

Aw what? As if “LOINY” isn’t a word. EG: “He looked very loiny in that leotard.” Screw you, Words With Friends.

SAD BUT TRUE: In Australia, a marriage is still considered legal even if neither party quotes Tupac or a James Cameron film in the vows. 😦

CILLIAN MURPHY MARATHON TODAY! If you don’t hear from me, it’s because my girl bits exploded from sheer desire and I went septic and died.

I just ate so much that at LEAST eight bulimics are gonna have to throw up so that Australia doesn’t tip another point in the obesity scale.

I answer every question with “Peter Tork”. Every. Single. Question. And I’m always right.

#FF your nose. FRUIT LOOPS HELL YEAH!

“More like don’t CREPE me, amiright?” -Rapist to a fat person who’s trying to lose weight. Rape is bad. He shouldn’t joke about it or do it.

Just cleaned my make-up mirror so I can see my face clearly. Aaaaah why didn’t anybody tell me??? Has that murderer been standing there the WHOLE TIME???

Misread the form and brought a black LEOPARD to my first class. Worst mime lesson ever.

I just remembered the time a guy left the club in the middle of a date with me and I found him 2 hours later playing checkers with a hobo.

I can look at a person’s photo and instantly know whether or not they’re the sort of person whose photos I’d masturbate to.

So awkward when my spirit guide and I get into the same pee cycle. I mean, I know he’s technically ALWAYS with me, but it’s still weird.

Nurse gave me pills in my Friday cup and I was so happy but then she said it was still Monday, they were just out of those cups. Aw man!!!

Can any leaders of any major religion explain why I’ve had Filter’s ‘Take A Picture’ stuck in my head for 3 days?

There once was a man from Nantucket! He got AIDS. AIDS is no laughing matter.

Ben called me a “massive Kardashians fan”. That’s a worse insult than the time I wore a brown dress and somebody thought I was a hobgoblin.

Two businessmen walked past me, both eating Golden Gaytimes. In my head they were holding hands and walking into the sunset.

I secretly love the idea of comedians masturbating and crying over pictures of themselves doing wacky “I’m funny!” poses.

“I have no patients!” -A doctor who’s really frustrated, and who can’t spell properly (he wrote it down). ZING!

Maybe I’m the only one, but when I think “quality”, I think it in Dom Deluise’s voice, spin around three times, then lose consciousness.

It’s really cool that rich folk let salespeople who work at their stores borrow their feelings of superiority and condescension.

Aw man. 3:30pm and I’m not at the zoo, I don’t have an ice cream cone, and no one’s started calling me “The Colonel”. Today sucks.

Happy Valenstein’s Day, when we remember the mad scientist and the creature he created who loved him, but then got killed by an angry mob.

If I ever shank somebody in a prison fight, I’m gonna say something witty like, “Thank you very SHANK!”

The greatest card trick the Devil ever pulled was when he took that ace of clubs out from behind Steve’s ear. How’d he do that???

Sometimes I take myself too seriously, so I have to remember the time I got dumped at a costume party while wearing vampire fangs.

“I like to eat, eat, eat, ooples and banoonoos.” -Someone in the middle of a violent stroke.

Thought I was looking hot and angular today, but it was just a shadow from where I’d gotten a whole cake stuck in my fat rolls.

I forgot to invite my husband to my birthday thing. It’s like the time I left him at the park after taking him for walkies.

Q: What’s the diff between Tony Abbott and a dog? A: I don’t do spells on the poop I pick up when taking a dog for a walk.

I want to find the person who hurt Adele, and I want to hurt HIM! He’s the reason she wrote those awful songs. BASTARD!

10 sexiest men in the world: Me in a variety of false moustaches and well-cut suits.

Happy birthday, Charlie Dickens! Wow, 200, and you don’t look a day over horrifying decomposed skeleton. 🙂

I don’t give a tinker’s darn if this expression is outdated and irrelevant, I’m going to use it anyway!

If I had a moose, it would be called Natasha. “This is my MOOSE TASH!”

Was playing with the people in the basement and couldn’t think of the word “morningstar”. Grr, Monday!!!

Me: (looking at silica gel packet) “It says ‘Do Not Eat’.” Deirdre: “No, it says, ‘Donut. Eat!” And that’s why I can’t feel the left side of my face.

So people will buy the water Christina Aguilera squatted in for a photo shoot, but won’t buy my couch because I sharted on a cushion?

Which would you rather have, botulism or a cupcake? Don’t answer right away! And try not to be all mainstream about it.

Whenever I meet an adorable puppy, it is vitally important that I ascertain whether or not we are friends. Yes is it! Yes it is!

SO CLOSE to making a good impression on the landlord/owners of our house, then they saw our mannequin with a Nazi armband and big muff.

I used to make Anzac cookie dough and eat it as dessert. BECAUSE DELICIOUS! Lest I forget.

What’s a good present for a flatmate that says “I’m sorry my dog vomited on your bed”? I’m asking for me. My dog vomited.

The other day, a baby wouldn’t stop crying on the bus so I smothered it. Turns out it was just a chicken. 😦

All the people playing Matthew Newton Arrest Bingo must be pissed since “punching someone in a hotel” has already been done.

Game of Thrones spoiler alert: You guys. I think this show is set in the past or something. I haven’t seen a single 7/11 or ipad. O_O WTF

I don’t understand how people justify racism. Asians are so cute!

Comedy sketch idea: Someone saying, “Woo, dis my jam!” and then it turns out it’s actual jam that they keep in their pocket.

People who say “beep beep!” when they want you to move out of the way are suave and good-looking because I do that sometimes.

Old MacDonald was a farm / E-I-E-I-O! / A terrifying anthropomorphic farm / E-I-E-I-O!

Imagine if your workmates could read your thoughts. Imagine if your workmates could READ!!!

When life gets hard, I just tell myself, “At least it’s not as bad as the time you threw up in a sanitary bin.” Then I drink some more.

It would be good to have a racist boss because then you could be like, “Oh, I think working too hard in kinda ‘Chinesey’.”

Just mentally abbreviated “peanut butter” to “nut butter”. Welp, never doing THAT again.

I was feeling a bit sad but then someone on FB posted a picture of a protester hugging a cop and now I want to murder everyone.

I’ve decided that if a wizard doesn’t turn me into a bowl of rice pudding in the next 12 hours, I’m going to call today a success.

You know what always bugged me as a kid? In Beauty and the Beast, all the magic rose’s petals fell off in like a week. That’s weird!

BREAKING: Drug addict caught with drugs. Australia says, “But… but… He can do sports! Him hero? How him bad? Sports!” Book deal pending.

So, just to be clear, we’re only allowed to celebrate poops that actually make it IN the toilet?

Oh sure, but when a Tupac hologram performed at my birthday, no one gave a shit. (It was my dad in blackface but HE RAPPED!)

You know what would suck? Being a werepigeon. “Every full moon, I bob my head uncontrollably and get one diseased foot. Do you have crumbs?”

Workmate tried to talk to me about the Logies. I screamed all my knowledge (“Hamish Blake! Red carpet! Frocks!”) and hid under the desk.

Just tried thinking of it as “cat litter” instead, and it felt all wrong. Try it yourself. Cat litter. Cat litter. Ew. See what I mean?

If someone has an unusual or funny-sounding name, make sure you point it out to them! Otherwise they’ll never know! LOLS!

Saw pics of teenagers crying & hugging and thought there’d been a school shooting. Nope: Concert. If that’s your kid, have them put down.

I just had sex!!!!!! Well, the guy who works at the 7/11 smiled at me. Well, I imagined what that would be like. It was awesome!

Okay I’ll give you toMAHto, but who the fuck is ordering a side of chat poTAHtoes? Fucking weirdo.

We all have that friend whose name would immediately spring to mind if the police said, “Someone you know stole a baby from a hospital.”

I hate that thing during sex where your back warts snag on the sheets and your partner thinks you farted.

It’s 7am and I’m wearing pants. So, right there, The Man’s already controlling what I do today. This bites, bro.

Guys. Guys. Guys! More like SherCOCK Holmes. Because Benedict Cumberbatch is attractive! Ahhh, you get it.

You’re never too old to let me eat all your peanut butter out of the tub with a spoon and then rub my tummy when I feel sick.

Hey does anyone know when they’re finally gonna make a movie version of Small Wonder? Been waiting since the 80s!!! Come on, Hollywood!

You were only in my life for a short time, but you taught me so much. I’ll never forget you. xo RIP Tamagotchi, 1997-1997.

I get out of uncomfortable social situations the normal way: Screaming “SHARK!”, throwing a smoke bomb and curling into a ball on the floor.

Back in 2000, my friends & I got into a fight about which was better: Geocities or Angelfire. Still waiting for a rapper to be shot over it.

Last night, I did something sexy and hilarious with a carrot. (I put Groucho Marx glasses and a tiny stocking on it.)

HOLY SHIT! Just saw Sean Bean in line for tacos, and some guy stabbed him ten times and stole his wallet. Shiiiiit! It’s not easy being Bean.

Thing I’ve learned from Game of Thrones: Hey, my sister’s pretty hot. Maybe I should tap that, or at least finger it on the back of a horse.

Things I’ve learned from Game of Thrones: “Bastard” kinda sounds like “bus tard” in certain UK accents, and it’s more fun to say it like that.

Things I’ve learned from Game of Thrones: Straight girls will have hot lesbian sex, but gay men just shave each other.

There comes a time in every relationship when my husband will ask me if he can use my hair dryer to get melted rubber chicken off the wall.

I rilly rilly wanted to get a tattoo of a star on my foot or behind my ear, but then I remembered I don’t have herpes. 😦

How many adorable baby chinchillas is too many adorable baby chinchillas to send to your favourite celebrity? I’m sending them express.

If you hug me for more than 3 seconds, I’M ON TO YOU, buster. I know you’re hiding snacks and/or loose change in my fat rolls. Sneaky!

SIIIIICK! 😦 “Wine a cold / Beer a fever / Around the corner fudge is made”, yeah? (passes out)

Attention everyone! I kind of think I might be getting the sniffles. So… Yeah. If you could take that into conside- MAKE ME A HOT TOTTIE!

I only have three of my nipples pierced, because I’m not a whore.

My life is a constant state of wishing I was in a hammock.

Awesome new show idea: “Game of DRONES!” Five weeks. One island. 50 million worker bees. One champion. This is gonna kick ass!

Spin-off: Game of GNOMES. Peter Dinklage could still be in it!

SNEAKY NUTS! (Okay now you have to look at your nuts or nearby nuts otherwise it doesn’t work.) HA! GOT YOU!!!!

Some said she was aggressive because she was a “typical Scorpio”. I think it’s because she was a bear.

Remembering literally ANYTHING I’ve ever done in my life makes me want to stab myself in the head with embarrassment. That’s normal, right?

How many licks does it take to get to the centre of this old bandaid I just found in the street?

I don’t think it’s embarrassing to cry when you’re bitten by a dromedary because everyone cries when they’re bitten by a dromedary.

If you call it “making love”, you’re not doing it right*. (*with someone you hate, covered in poisonous tree frogs)

Clamato was invented because someone was giving head one night and thought, “Wait, what if this was SPICY? And COLD? Fuckin’ yum!”

I’m gonna pull the best prank today APRIL FOOLS IT’S NOT APRIL 1 ANYMORE! Ha! Fooled all of y’all.

Remember when Sabrina the Teenaged Witch made the perfect man out of Man Dough and it was Brian Austin Green? I miss those days.

I just accidentally touched my flatmate’s girlfriend’s undies! Am I pregnant now?

Oh, “teef” isn’t a word, Words With Friends? Then WHERE DO RAPPERS PUT THEIR GRILLS, Words With Friends???

Woke up this morning in the middle of a dream where I was licking the nipples from the Schumacher Batman suits. Gonna be one of those days.

Which brain area controls memories? Can I reach it through my nose with a BBQ skewer? Just remembered the time I farted during a test and everybody laughed.

Hate when I’m swimming in a giant chocolate fondue and I keep getting mini marshmallows up my nose. Nobody eats those, guys! Gawd!

How did I get this old without losing my embarrassment when buying tampons? “I know, I’m unclean. Going back to the bleeding caves now.”

I miss the time when men were men, and men had beards, and beards wore women, and women had turnips, and cats drove the train!

Four assholeyist words you could tweet? I lost The Game.

I like my coffee like I like my sex partners: Dressed like The Captain and/or Tenille.

Every time Jason Donovan desperately tries to stay relevant by talking about Kylie Minogue, an angel poops on a baby sloth’s head.

Whenever I use those changerooms with all the mirrors, I feel like an army of pasty fat chicks is converging from all sides to eat me.

€€€€€€€€€ HI GUYS GUESS WHAT BUTTON I JUST DISCOVERED ON MY KEYBOARD €€€€€€€€€€€€

Siri, buy me an iphone so that I too may make Siri jokes. Siri? SIRI?? (hits Nokia 6110 frantically)

So sick of being mistaken for Michael Berryman.

I wish I was a hippy so I could blame my personality flaws on my “Saturn return” or blocked Chakras or whatever it’s just NOT MY FAULT WHEE!

Who’s your favourite member of N’Sync? Mine’s Chadley.

Explaining Myki to my co-workers is like explaining to tribesmen who have never seen technology that yes, that’s THEM on the camera.

Cold takeout leftovers are my favourite thing except for having sex with Cillian Murphy on Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones.

I have a fundamental inability to relate to people who have a favourite fashion designer.

My only complaint is that conversations I had with rude cab company telephone operators 10 years ago don’t run through my head EVERY night.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Penis. Penis penis penis penis penis. #penis

When I’m retired & finally have my crossbow licence, I’m going to hunt down everyone who’s ever said “too much cheese”. We don’t need them.

That awkward moment when someone says “Get yo’ swag on!” but you already had yours on for an hour because you forgot about Daylight Savings.

Hey only you can prevent forest fires and Mr T’s first name is Lawrence. THE MORE YOU KNOW.

Flip flops. Flips flop. Flop flips. Flip flaps? Don’t be disgusting. Ugh, now it’s ruined.

More like Whackin’ Phoenix LOL because people whack off to him and because his face looks like a whack-a-mole.

Guys I just thought of a super funny pun twist on “The pen is mightier than the sword” but I’m gonna save it for my stand-up SORRY!!!!

D: “I’m going to make misery soup.” Me: “Aw. What’s misery soup?” D: “It’s any soup, but I’m sad when I make it.”

HI GUYS If you’re not sure if something’s a herpes sore or a jellybean, should you eat it? Because if no, then I need to go throw up.

Does anyone say “nil” anymore? What about “nought”, for zero? Forsooth? Prithee? Werther’s Originals?

Invoicing a place called Duel Air and Electrical. I hope it’s not a typo. I hope it’s a company of TITANS OF THE ELEMENTS! Who FENCE!

“I’ve had it with this flim-flammery!” -Me, storming angrily from a situation in which there is flim-flam.

Let us all bow our heads and spare a thought for all the men being dragged to a Missy Higgins concert by their girlfriends tonight.

Hi my Jeeves and Wooster DVD is broked, can anyone call Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie n get them to fly here and act it out in my room? THX!

Once upon a time, I was born and everything I did was STUPID because somehow it led to me getting this cold and the whole world is STUPID.

My skinny dog’s spine makes her look like a Stegosaurus. But she’s SHIT at plodding around eating leaves 150 million years ago.

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” he said. “AAAH!” I said. “Yeah, no, I’m done,” he said. He walked away. But the floor was LAVA!!!

My question is, how do they make soy coffee taste exactly like a three-day-old corpse’s queef? It’s uncanny!

Okay, so, the rules are that white people who aren’t trash can say “ain’t” but only in songs, yeah? Otherwise they have to use grammars.

Can’t… die… Must… delete… Internet history…

Guys, GUYS GUYS GUYS! Crossover fusion magic idea over here. Are you ready? Okay. Blazing Saddle Club. How has this not already happened???

Second awesome crossover idea in one day: Bill Nighy the Science Funny Old Man!

Curled up sick in bed with the dog, eating peanut butter. Can’t tell if this is rock bottom or the greatest moment of my life.

No one in my office appreciates my Tibetan throat singing AT ALL. Philistines.

When I was a kid, I cried when I found out that “twitterpated” from ‘Bambi’ wasn’t a real word, because I felt lied to. -Why I do meth.

What if women ruled the world? What if cats chased dogs? What if cheese grew on flimflams and 18 cents got you a new set of knickerbockers?

It’s not gay if you’re related!

It’s not gay if you’re of the opposite gender!

It’s not gay if one of you is Bruce Willis!

If Adam Sandler had died in 1997, we’d all remember him as a fresh up-and-comer and wonder what might have been. How innocent we were then.

“Two men. One job. No limits. Coming this fall, Fassbender and Cumberbatch star in ‘Silly Names Inc’.” -If I was a billionaire.

“Rape rape vaginas with teeth rape vaginas with ooze rape violent toxic ejaculate rape.” -Subtitles for ‘Prometheus’. Four stars.

On first dates, always make sure you’re crusty enough that you crackle when you cross your legs. Anything else is a lie.

Just made a six-hour playlist where every second song is the Touched By An Angel theme. My next party is gonna be the bomb!

Just learned that one of my cousins thought I was at LEAST 33. I’m only 27! It’s because I do crosswords and say “damn hooligans” isn’t it?

“Hey kids, it’s me! I bet you thought that I was dead! But when I fell over I just broke my leg & got a haemorrhage in my head!” -Sherlock, s3

Have any crosswords been written since 1942? The answers are always things like “jive”, “ninny”, “drat”, “Whistle Dixie”.

TRUE: I was all sad before from thinking about if Amos died, then I went to the bathroom & saw that he hadn’t flushed the toilet.

Every time my clock gets to 4:20, I SMASH IT TO BITS because marryjewana kills babies. I don’t have any clocks any more. 😦 What time is it?

I’m not saying I’m fat, but I lifted up one of my chin folds just now and a small Asian family fell out. They’re frightened and shouting.

DVD/Blu Ray is awesome, no question, but sometimes I miss shouting “HAVE. YOU. GOT. WHAT. YOU. PAID. FOR.” That’s the price, I guess.

Trip to the vet! Amos: “My dog goes to town on herself all the time. Is that normal?” Me: “Do dogs get cold headaches?” They love us.

“I wanna make you crusty,” was probably the most bitchin’ part of that love poem I wrote my cat when I was nine.

Women’s magazines remind me of that bitch we’ve all met. “You’re SO awesome. I don’t care what everyone else is saying about your hips.”

My boss threw rubbish at me the other day to remind me where I stand (I was standing in the bin. My feet were cold. I forgot my shoes.).

I ‘on’t know whah yow b’aming me for va miffing pea’ut butter, I ‘on’t even LIKE pea’ut butter hey LOOK OFER THERE! …………Are oo gone?

When are hipsters gonna discover yodelling? Because DIBS ON HIDING IN THIS DEAD COW’S RECTUM when that happens!

HOLY SHIT has anyone checked on Devon Sawa lately? Is he okay???

I don’t want to meet the people who are like, “I only watch Game of Thrones for the stuff with the silver-haired girl and her dragons.”

Just ate a whole thing of Ben & Jerry’s out of the tub in my jammies. All the stand-ups were right: Women really do that! You clever guys!

Idea for a Canadian cop show: Bear Justice. Spoiler: The bear eats everyone.

I have Man Flu! That means I have a cold but I’m being really loud and dramatic about it, and also I’ve grown a penis. Dangle dangle!

I’m supposed to stay hydrated but both my nostrils are blocked so drinking could KILL ME. Explain that, evolution. (curls into a ball)

Hey can anyone come to my house and feed me cold & flu pills and rub my back and smother me with a pillow and do my dirty dishes? Thx xo

Gently run your fingertip around my nostril rim. Gently… gently… Yeah that’s it.

Hey guys one of my nipples is longer than the other and it moves around a lot and it’s inside my mouth oh wait that’s my tongue LOL.

This tree I drew represents my growth as a person. These roots represent my hidden resources. This bird represents a bird I saw once. Birdy!

Mexican food and chocolate donuts for breakfast! Because [magic reasons that make twitter people think I’m awesome – add this bit later].

Neighbours are playing Chilli Peppers which is crazy because I always fall asleep pretending that Anthony Kiedis is singing under my bed.

Neighbours’ party has gotten to the stage where they’re listening to 90s music and looking stuff up on RedTube. It’s like a mirror!

Sad thing: My sick dog is losing weight alarmingly. Silver lining: Now I have a dog AND a xylophone.

GUYS HALP I was trying to pump up the jam but it turns out it was a pigeon and it exploded WHAT DO I DO feathers are EVERYWHERE!!!

Being Honest Bridget: Haven’t seen any trailers for the Lara Bingle show because I like pretending Australia isn’t completely horrible.

I think it’s a great step forward that we’re showing that kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome can grow up to be reality stars. #BeingLaraBingle

Today I will be communicating solely through the lyrics of 1998 pop sensations B*Witched. This will be interesting, as I only know one song.

Hey I just realised that yeah houses have windows and doors, but so do treehouses. WTF, B*Witched? EXPLAIN YOURSELVES!!!

Wonder how many followers I’ll lose during B*Witched lyrics day? C’est la vie.

That moment you say to your dog, “Oh wow, look at the sunrise!” and he’s like, “I’m colour-blind, you fucker,” and you’re like, “LANGUAGE!”

So, before burlesque and Suicide Girls, did ugly women have to have good personalities or were they just sold as pets?

Last night it was determined that the only people still playing Draw Something are our mums. And even they draw penises.

Everything I know about True Blood: All characters want to sex Anna Pacquin and god knows why. Vampires n stuff. Soap opera music. TENSION!

I’m not in it for the applause. That’s a typo. I’m in it for the applesauce. Give me applesauce!!!!

Whatever happened to those ad where women poured blue liquid onto sanitary pads? Does anyone still play them in their basement?

POP QUIZ: Which would make me feel worse, not exercising or jogging in the cold rain? WRONG! The answer is C: Falling off a camel. No score.

Hate it when you say, “Nice hat,” to someone and they’re not wearing a hat and they’re hideously deformed and you scream and scream and scre

One time a guy said, “Do you have five cents?” and I thought he said, “Do you have triceps?” and I was like, “LOLS I’m not a mechanic!”

One time a guy came up to me and he was like, “Don’t be racist!” but I was only beating up that Indian guy because he was gay so it’s okay.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover!” I screamed upon realising I had crusted mustard staining my shirt and a pigeon trapped in my hair.

Dog came into my room, farted, and left. I think we need to have a talk about what friendship is.

TAM when you abbreviate “that awkward moment” and make everyone in your twitter feed yell “TAM!” in their head when they read it.

I feel the same way about my new mascasa as I did about sex in the beginning: I don’t know if I like this, but I’m sure I’ll get used to it.

I am totally gay for Ron Swanson.

Taters gonna tate. (“Taters” are potatoes, and “tate” in this instance means “BE DELICIOUS”.)

I am a spacibl needs child.

I say I have a good sense of humour because I think everything Chinese people do is HILARIOUS.

So all black people are Denzel Washington or Morgan Freeman, right?

Three more followers to another round number! The lucky third will win me coming to their house dressed as their favourite member of Steps.

If I was Prime Minister, I would let gays marry and make pizza places deliver ALL DAY not just after 5pm.

I give the hipsters 6 months before they “ironically” flock back to myspace.

Whenever people tweet about Chris Brown, I always think they’re talking about the dreamy vet who used to be on Harry’s Practice.

Alcoholics always find a reason or excuse to drink. For example, I personally drink because I’m an alcoholic.

I think Matthew Newton should be allowed to take out his aggression on actors who call it their “craft”. Nobody (who matters) gets hurt!

My favourite quote ever has to be, “[…] cheese […]”. Got me through so many hard times.

Every day, someone in my work building will hold the elevator for me even though I use the stairs so I totally get why people do Hara-Kiri.

Confession: I don’t think I ever really learned how to Do The Bartman. 😦 Is it like the Charleston? I’m just gonna do the Charleston.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww fingertoes.

“Wait, I’m home alone? Must eat foods straight from their containers with a spoon! Even if they are not spoon food! Ahahahaha!” -My brain.

To-Do: Form a gang of Canadian pirates called Pieces of Eh.

Hey Jack, do you ever take off your shoes and find a big saucepan and stand in it and go, “I am a Jackpot!”? In my head you do.

My dad: “I’m so drunk I almost love you, you awful disappointment of a child.” Then he couldn’t figure out how to send a text. LOLPARENTS!

The History Of Roller Derby: Once there were some fucking hipsters who thought they were kooky and were sick of ironic bowling. The end.

God dammit, facebook, stop telling everyone I’m playing Bejewelled Blitz! You’re making me look like a loser!

Ooh ooh ooh guys I have some awesome “99 problems” jokes! Okay. “I got 99 problems but a DITCH ain’t one!” If you’re digging a ditch!!!

Another joke! “I got 99 problems but MITCH ain’t one!” Your neighbour Mitch! You get along with him, so he isn’t a problem! These are fun.

“I got 99 problems but a FLITCH ain’t one.” If you’re having a stroke and you make up words! Man I’m glad the internet hasn’t let these die.

Halp, husband got 1 blue and 1 pink toothbrush and gave me the blue one. Does this mean he wants me to be the man? Serious answers only pls.

So I left my Uni essay ’til the last minute and haven’t been out of the house for 48 hours. What’s it like outside? We got flying cars yet?

Why the ever-loving fucksauce does a kid dying of cancer need to become a Trending Topic on twitter? Raising awareness that cancer is bad?

“Living is easy with ice cold.” What does that even mean, The Beatles??? Damn hippies.

Amos: “Once I set my mind to doing something before I poo, there’s no stopping me.” We just played the tensest game of Uno EVER.

Holy. Fuck. I just realised that I have no idea what Mr Bean’s first name is.

Quick dickhead test: 1) Are you whistling right now, Y/N? If you selected Y, you are a dickhead. End test.

Hi men people, does your penis have a name? I would name mine Philbert.

Ew I just remembered when I went through that phase of calling it “catsup” ew sorry everybody that was uncool.

So I was just minding my own business and I swear I don’t know how it happened but I’m stuck in the vegetable crisper again. Please help.

Hey guyz I’m in Brisbane and I went to the beach and saw a kangaroo and a turkey flew near me but I wasn’t even scared.

I love the Internet because sometimes I want to read Cool Runnings quotes RIGHT NOW and it says okay man sure here are heaps of them!

I don’t know about you, but I think I’m way better-looking than you.

CONFESSION: I have no fucking idea how to pronounce “nougat”. Noo-gow? Nu-get? Nugg- Screw it. Walnuts.

Raindrops on kittens and whiskers on roses: WHAT TERRIFYING PARALLEL WORLD IS THIS???

Snergle (n.): That laugh thing you have to do when talking to someone with your name on the phone. Eg: “Hi Sam, this is Sam. (snergle).”

Question for Jews: How do you know if you’ve plotzed? I’m asking for reasons.

Hey you know that guy who’s into Landmark/straw man theory and doesn’t go on about it all the time? HAHAHAHA NO BECAUSE DOESN’T EXIST!

Steven Seagal is definitely in the top three on my list of brooding crime-solving martial artist walruses. Well, top five.

Laugh-crying at the latest Seanbaby article, telling co-workers I’m just sad because of how mean Uncle Phil always was to Jazz.

I will never experience the simple, all-encompassing happiness as women in commercials for grout-remover. 😦

I used to think women weren’t evil but then I remembered that Eve is the reason childbirth hurts and you can’t argue with science.

I think the only truly noble use of fame is to get pictures of your wedding and/or newborn in Woman’s Day. What courage that must take.

No guys seriously, Will.I.Am is such a creative musiciHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA he steals songs.

Who’s that band that stretched a three-syllable word into five syllables to fit their melody better?

I had an opinion once, but then my husband threatened to cut off my allowance. 😦

I’m NOT saying I know what prisoners of war have suffered, but one time I went nearly a whole day with my bra strap all twisted. Uncomfy. 😦

Tried to chew my food on the other side of my mouth and bit my tongue. 😦 Some of us weren’t made watch the world burn.

People who say working in an office is boring haven’t gone through old files and stolen all the paperclips and then had lots of paperclips.

I Hsave so nmany poaperclips! Puit them on m,y dfingfers so I am BNridget Paopetrcliphands! HAHSHJAHA! Harsd to type thouigh.

That feeling when you reach into your pocket and pull out the dried blister skin you peeled off your boyfriend’s foot last week. ❤

It would be cool if you could make material out of herbs because then you could make THE FABRIC OF THYME.

SPICE THYME CONTINUUM!

I’m going to pronounce Snoop’s new name the way I read it: Snoopleeon. EG: “Snoopleeon has officially jumped the shark. He used to be real.”

RT if you’re reading this on the toilet.

I say I’m bilingual because sometimes I listen to Die Antwoord and try to make the sounds they’re making so I can basically speak Afrikaans.

I can’t stand all those instagram pictures of your food because my grandmother was murdered by a home-made loaf of sour dough.

It’s cool if I name my cat Mr Jiggaboo, is it? Because it’s a cat, and they don’t have feelings, just like black people!

Is someone who does the fandango called a FANDANGLER?

Probably the most burning question I want answered on ‘Breaking Bad’ is: Whatever happened to Flynn? Remember that? Flynn?

“Relationships, bitch! They be fat stacks of TROUBLE!” -Jesse Pinkman, if he had a dating advice column.

Probably my favourite Olympic sport is weasel jostling. I think Nepal will take out the belt this season.

Today is such a “curl up and make the manservants hunt each other for sport and watch it on CCTV with lasagne” kind of day.

The movie I recommended we review for @UnverifiedPod has blackface! I did not remember that. It is the happiest of accidents.

I’m not saying all those people who have “My Family” car stickers deserve to die, I’m just saying that if they DID, no one would care.

1980s Kirk Cameron is on the tv! It’s muted but I’m pretty sure he’s just saying, “Fags must die, Jesus Jesus Jesus,” over and over.

QUESTION: My dog is a staffy and she is just great. Can I carry her around in a traditional Baby Bjorn or should I make my own custom one?

I may not be a genius but at least I don’t have a button stuck up my nose anym- Dammit. HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING???

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. So “Taye Diggs” isn’t slang for “nice house”?

“I’m keeping your sperm.” #4WordsAfterABreakup

Guess whose new iPhone just arrived? Guess who feels like a monkey who’s been given a Rubix cube?

Live-tweeting my attempts to get to know my new smart phone! Step one: I opened the box. I’m scared to touch the phone. It looks too fancy.

There are fingerprints all over my new smartphone and I can’t figger out how to insert the SIM. To google!

What? Why do I need a freaking PIN to put the SIM card in? Like, an actual drawing pin. What the fuck, smartphone?

My fingers are too fat to type on this phone. It keeps asking for my password. I HATE YOU, ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL! I miss my carrier pigeon.

Why aren’t my contacts showing up? They are on the SIM. The smartphone knows they are on the SIM, I can see them right there. I HATE THIS!

My phone messages look like they do on http://TextFromDog.Tumblr.Com ! I am in the future! I’m hip and with it!

I’m off to get a case for my new smartphone. Case? A thing that goes on it so it doesn’t get broked so easy. Is it called a case? Wrapping?

I am tweeting from my smartphone! This sentence took me eight minutes. I am hooked into the machine!

Having very difficult-to-resist urges to poke new smartphone’s screen to see HOW fragile it really is. Just a little poke. Poke. Poke. POKE!

The only part of that Gotye song that I sing along to is the little “bwwwwring!” xylophone-sounding bit. It speaks to my heart.

When I was 13 a girl in my class quoted Smash Mouth in her English presentation and now she’s a lesbian.

I’m thinking of a number between one and ten. Guess which one. WRONG IT WAS DEVON SAWA WITH HIS SHIRT OFF.

“Bernice, you can’t wear tartan, you just don’t have the attitude for it,” I admonished, but she didn’t answer because she was an egg whisk.

Just said hello to my dog in a happy baby voice on the phone. I have officially become That Guy.

I always order “a pint, please” in pubs in the hope that one day it will be a pint of ICE CREAM!

The fishbowl I wore on my head for a while was a terrible idea. Tiny castles kept poking me in the eye.

I pronounce it “vinegré” because I’m not a dirty RACIST and also because I’m wearing my beret today.

Knock knock, who’s there, it’s ME, let me in and give me wine and cheese and let me put my feet on your sofa and touch all your stuff.

I pretend I have a kind of hood pass with British celebrities because I was on Neighbours that time. “I’ve met Harold, I know the score.”

More like Mickey SPOUSE! (If Mickey Rourke was your wife.)

So, is “swag” a thing, like a swag bag for old Aussie bushman? Or is it “swagger” like when you walk with a full diaper? CONFUSE!

Don’t you hate it when you’re in love with someone but you’re afraid they’ll laugh at your nest of genital bees?

Some people think “discharge” shouldn’t be used on ads for pantyliners. SORRY FOR THE SPOILERS but we don’t make berry coulis down there.

For years I had a cyst that went undiagnosed because I kept perioding blue and didn’t realise that wasn’t normal.

More like Breaking GOOD! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

Sometimes I regret leaving my foreign foster son Umlaut on top of a German u, but it made him smile so happy. See? ü I love you, baby!

Is seeing Woody Harrelson everywhere you go some kind of mental illness?

My lady breasts are very swollen today. Will you suckle the milk out of them so I don’t feel so Dolly Parton-y? Thx in advance.

People say I’m stupid but if I was four they wouldn’t say that because it only takes me three tries to tie my shoes and that’s REALLY GOOD.

Knickers knickers knickers knickers knickers knickers knickers. I’m 100% knickers.

She eyes me like a heart-shaped wheel… of… cheese. Wrap it in prosciutto and hand-feed it to… me… please.

Can someone PLEASE challenge me to eat nothing but peanut butter and honey for the rest of my life so I have an excuse?

Somewhere, someone is masturbating to a celebrity at the EXACT moment that same celebrity is pooping. That comforts me more than religion.

Not going to my 10-year reunion because I know how it goes: Everyone who was thin is fat and vice versa, and BABIES BABIES HUSBANDS BABIES!

Part of having me in your life is accepting that I’ll often break into your bedroom & croon Candle On The Water from “Pete’s Dragon” at you.

HAHAHAHAHAHA just imagined someone trying to sexy talk in a Scottish accent HAHAHAHAHAHA Scots.

Remember how proud and grown-up you felt the day you learned how to pronounce hors o’oeuvre?

Hi Benedict Cumberbatch if you are reading this pls PM me I have a great movie idea for you and Cillian Murphy it’s called ‘PASSION PANTS’.

HA! Totally won Gay Chicken against my husband last night! Bet he’s regretting suggesting it n- Oh. Hang on.

I will never buy any product which is advertised with athletes doing things in slow-motion to triumphant music.

I’ve never once regretted choosing to be straight. No one’s making ME march in no fandangallin’ colour parade!

Hey baby, wanna come back to my place and pretend my stretch marks are roads and we are in an airplane so they look small? Vrrrooooooom!

That awkward moment when you think someone’s saying “I love you” but they’re really saying “AAH there’s a bee in my goggles!”

I hate really falling in friend-love with someone then learning they’re the kind of person who takes pictures of their food or children.

“Hrrraavadaaanga novahoimie braschus AAAAAAH!” -If Milo Kerrigan had twitter.

Scattegories with @fidged! Reasons to be late for work: “Acorn stuck in my face.”

More like Higgs BISON! Hahaha that is a water buffalo! I don’t understand science! HAHAHAHA!

What’s the most annoying large bovine on Earth? The water buffaYOLO.

I ate a multivitamin and now my burps taste like potpourri so I have decided to sit in a little crystal dish on your mantlepiece all day.

OH GOD DAMMMIT my multivitamin just made my pee so yellow I freaked out and nearly fell in the toilet. Niacin isn’t worth this.

Is there an official medical term in the DSM IV for wanting to punch little orphan Annie in the face?

Is “sweet Virginia biscuits!” an expression? Because I’m making it an expression.

Testicles testicles balls and bum, I don’t want to go outside today because it’s raining, bum. Fin.

Woke up! Put on my dang exercise clothes! Gonna go for a jog! But then Tom and Katie split up. Then avocado toast happened. And it’s cold.

If I hit a guy in the face with a big rubber penis for saying that short skirts get girls raped, is it consensual? He was asking for it.

Hey @AmosJPhillips, when we do crazy weird sexytimes can I choose the safeword? CAN IT BE KNICKERBOCKERS???

I lay down the scalpel. “I have a confession to make. I’m not a surgeon. I’m a sturgeon!” Then I died because I was out of the sea.

I don’t like gay people because all they do after hatching is eat babies and poison kittens and put the jam lid on loose so I spill the jam.

Awesome film idea: Live-action retelling of ‘Watership Down’… set under the sea! In space! And all the actors are wearing banana suits!

“That will be all, Cribbins,” I said graciously. “My name’s not Cribbins,” she sighed, tightening the straps. Oh Cribbins! What a character.

I ate my body weight in cheese, but the cheese kept making my body weight rise, so I never stopped eating, and then I died. The end.

More like antiDERPressants, because you are stupid as well as sad! Hahaha! Stop crying, that was hilarious.

Saw a guy wearing a beanie with the “anarchy” symbol knitted into the front. Fuck tha po-lice.

Guy asked what kind of milk I drink and I was like UGH do I look like a farmer, and he was like yes because I was sitting on top of a cow.

Guys, whatever you do, do NOT google what the dogs who played Wishbone and The Littlest Hobo are up to now. You don’t want to know.

Friend: “What’s that Asian language where they stop and start a lot and it sounds like they’re walking into walls?”

NEW FROM 20 SEPTEMBER 2012:

I always say “That’s Huey Lewis and The News to me!” when I encounter something for the first time.

I hate romance movies because why are they kissing when things could be exploding or making me laugh???

Facebook’s “Suggested Events” is just a way to draw attention to parties I wasn’t invited to because they couldn’t handle my swag, y’all.

I text my husband topless shots of women from the Internet with better boobs than me because he sees mine all the time – BORING.

I can literally not think of a single thing worse that having to touch someone’s mole for some reason.

Guys I’m writing a fanfic about me and the bad guy from The Avengers. What should our love-child’s name be? I like Aurora Rainbow Tulipnuts.

I’m haunted by the letter M. It randomly appears in my calculator, with no rhyme or reason. WHAT DOES IT WANT???

Just shaved my pubic hair to look like Robert Downey Jr’s beard in The Avengers because he is a beautiful man. #yolo #kony2012

Thought I’d be healthy and go to a fitness site for workout tips but “Eat Your Way To Younger Hair” WTF y’all are crazy where’s my cheese.

ALL HITLER NEEDED WAS A HUG pls rt bcus hugs are love #yolo

“When large ethnic women scream with emotion, I sure want to know more!” -Said only the publicists of ‘Mental’, ever.

I don’t even really like them and they’re not easy to find here, but I could never categorically say, “I’ve eaten my last Pop Tart.”

IS NICK FROST REALLY MADE OF SNOW???

Hahhahahahahahaha taint love.

Guys I dropped my ulcer pill on the floor and it touched the dog’s toenail is it still safe to eat serious answers only I already ate it.

Super Kafka pugilistic hexes up your noses!

Kay so I’m finally watching The Avengers and someone’s already said “the human world” IS THIS GON BE NERDY should I stick it out?

TRUE STORY: One time I took two guys home & passed out snoring in bed between them and years later went, “OH SHIT maybe they expected something else.”

The best thing about getting mad at yourself is the make-up sex.

Do you think John Travolta ever texts Olivia Newton-John: “LOL @ my career vs urs.”

It’s not gay if you kiss and cuddle another man and stroke his face and read him poems you wrote about his penis.

More like child-BORING age haha because I drill holes into children!

Someone in this waiting room just farted and the only person nearby is a hot girl. I guess it was me then. 😦

I really want pumpkin pie and the closest thing available is this tanned lady’s head so I’ve put whipped cream on that YUM YUM.

“I am horrible. Everything is shit. HAHAHA I JUST THOUGHT OF A FUNNY PUN ABOUT COWS!” -Inside my head, every day.

Nearly drunk enough to challenge the guy in the awesome motorised wheelchair to a race! He’s fast but one time I ran for the tram!

On a tram heading to the Espy to listen to local bands and drink in the rare sunshine. I’m so Melbourne I shit Fed Square.

Ewwww my husband tried to kiss me WTF hasn’t he ever heard of cooties???

Remember that time you died and then a Unicorn licked your head and you came back to life? OH WAIT THAT WAS ME! #bragging

Imagine if he came out after all this time and was like, “Uh, actually, it’s pronounced Matt Dah-MON. I didn’t want to say anything…”

Guys I just did ten rosaries and finally touched my boobs for the first time and it didn’t feel like a bag of wet sand at all!!!!!

Probably the weirdest thing about sex is how no one can maintain arousal without Loveshack playing on loop.

I’m ’bout to clip my toenails: If you want to buy ’em, better speak up fast!

Watching Deadwood and I saw Ron Swanson’s penis and it was awesome! How are your Fathers’ Days going?

A horse is a horse of course of course, unless it’s a MULE. I mean, could you really trust yourself to tell the difference 100% of the time?

I hate the word “panties”. I call them jambly pops (since the stroke)!

Gonna speak in a German accent for the first 10 years of my kid’s life, then randomly stop and be like, “What accent? You’re lying.”

For three seconds, I was so flattered. 😦 RT @fidged I have such a funny sister. Oh, I meant such a funny BLISTER (I put a pompom on it)

Last time I went to the beach, I had to pee on someone’s leg. He wasn’t stung by a jellyfish but he did pay me two dollars!

Oh my god. Breaking Bad. Spoilers: Bacon cookies??? What the fuck, America? Jesus. Still in shock. #BreakingBad

Hey you know what’s a good musical? NO MUSICAL EVER BECAUSE THEY ARE AWFUL, THE END.

Every time I see a loaf of pumpernickel in the supermarket, I have to pick it up because it’s heavier than it looks, you guys!!!

Hands were so cold that I cried when I unlocked my front door because it hurt so much. THUG LIFE.

Drinking hot sake isn’t being unhealthy because Japanese women are skinny as. Factoid! Glug glug glug.

OH PLACE YAW HAAAAAAANDS! ON MAH BUM! RUN YAW FIIIIIIIIINGERS! ON MAH BUM! Alright!

IDEA: Shreklock Homes, where Shrek solves mysteries and then renovates your house! Catchphrase: You’re-a-Donkey, dear Watson!

If I found a time machine I don’t think I’d use it cos I might accidentally go back to when everyone was obsessed with Napoleon Dynamite.

I’m in the mood. The mood for nude. Hee hee hee hee hee! (*runs around with no pants on*)

Beyonce wouldn’t be so good if she had to play her own instruments and also make them out of things she found in a forest! Pffft.

One time I was inserting a tampon but my female body mistook it for legitimate rape and now I only have nine fingers. BE CAREFUL, EVERYONE!

Hey so but seriously has anyone named their band Legitimate Rape yet? Because if not: Dibs.

Hey has Michael Flatley been off the radar for long enough that I can claim his title as LORD OF THE DANCE without any big fuss? Yep? Cool?

Totes just won the pee race with someone in my building! That’s where you go into the stalls at the same time but one of you starts first.

If “BB” means Big Brother and not Breaking Bad to you, get out of my kitchen right now. If it means Bridget’s Boobies: HEE HEE HEE blush.

I know they’re a pest in North America, but raccoons are so freaking cute. Get out of here, with your tiny little fingers and face masks.

Sometimes I’m so exhausted that I barely have enough energy to hate Shelley Long.

GIRLS’ NIGHT with the dog! Cannot guarantee she won’t be dressed as Batman by 9pm. Can actually guarantee she WILL be dressed as Batman YAY!

Someone just asked about my state of mind but I’m Canadian so I have a province or territory of mind HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW MOOSE!

Do you think Shelley Long even cares that I’ve had a one-sided feud with her for over ten years?

My fingers smell like fish, so either I’ve been eating sushi or that girl I fingered needs to see a doctor.

Burped so hard in the supermarket that I nearly threw up and this guy with a neckbeard was totally judging me.

Procrastinating uni work so I just spent 5 minutes trying to take a picture of my feet making out but they didn’t look passionate enough.

You’re born, bits of your body swell and deflate, you drip and secrete various fluids with only partial control, and then you die.

Gonna start a burlesque troupe called The Auberginas. Don’t act like you don’t wish you’d thought of it first.

I was sent to a “Crate Away The Straight” place and it just made me claustrophobic so now it’s hard to go in my carry case to go on trams.

Paaaahss the dolce on gabbana side, paaaaahss the burger and the suuuper fries… Man, they really knew how to write songs back then.

I just heard someone refer to one of the Olympic competitors as “The Blackie”. THIS JUST HAPPENED RIGHT NOW IN 2012 RIGHT WHERE I AM.

My mum said she’s going to have to unfollow me on twitter because I’m too crude. I’M SORRY MUM THIS ISN’T HOW YOU RAISED ME poo bum wee fart

Just looked at pics like, “Ewww, who told these people they could be models?” then realised it was facebook. SORRY UGLY FRIENDS!

My sister: (pointing to picture) “Is that a wheelchair?” Me: “That’s a meat grinder. Never work with the disabled.”

Climax of Breaking Bad. Walt & Jesse cornered. Dramatic music. Pan over: It’s Skinny Pete playing piano. Everybody laughs.

My life has real, actual background music*! (*Me going, “Ba-ba-ba-ba-BAOW-BAOW” like the Law and Order theme all the time.)

So awkward when you make eye-contact with the other person being raped by the tentacle monster. It’s like, “Ugh, hello, good to meet you…”

Darkwing Duck is the only dude who should be allowed to wear a fedora.

I think rapists should be punished by having to stop mid-stream EVERY TIME THEY PEE. You can only go half at a time, because you’re bad.

I watched The Hunger Games instead of the Olympics because if a sport doesn’t kill children, it just doesn’t hold my interest.

Guys I’m drunk LET’S GO ANTIQUING!

PACKING! Marking every box with a question mark and the Eye of Ra to keep Future Bridget on her toes. ALso I am drinking.

IMPORTANT PACKING QUESTION: How many ‘Snakes and Ladders’ shot glass drinking games should we keep? At least one, right?

Still bummed that no one’s started calling me by the rap name I made up for myself, 100% Knickers.

I want to wear Katherine Moennig and Yolandi Visser like hand puppets.

Just learned that someone won $50 million. My first reaction was honestly, “He should put it in a high-interest account.” I disgust myself.

“Clever” political cartoons give me thrush all over my face.

That feeling when you reach into your pocket and pull out the dried blister skin you peeled off your boyfriend’s foot last week. ❤

It would be cool if you could make material out of herbs because then you could make THE FABRIC OF THYME.

OR SPICE THYME CONTINUUM!

I’m going to pronounce Snoop’s new name the way I read it: Snoopleeon. EG: “Snoopleeon has officially jumped the shark. He used to be real.”

I say I’m bilingual because sometimes I listen to Die Antwoord and try to make the sounds they’re making so I can basically speak Afrikaans.

I can’t stand all those instagram pictures of your food because my grandmother was murdered by a home-made loaf of sour dough.

It’s cool if I name my cat Mr Jiggaboo, is it? Because it’s a cat, and they don’t have feelings, just like black people!

Is someone who does the fandango called a FANDANGLER?

Probably the most burning question I want answered on ‘Breaking Bad’ is: Whatever happened to Flynn? Remember that? Flynn?

“Relationships, bitch! They be fat stacks of TROUBLE!” -Jesse Pinkman, if he had a dating advice column.

Probably my favourite Olympic sport is weasel jostling. I think Nepal will take out the belt this season.

Today is such a “curl up and make the manservants hunt each other for sport and watch it on CCTV with lasagne” kind of day.

I’m not saying all those people who have “My Family” car stickers deserve to die, I’m just saying that if they DID, no one would care.

1980s Kirk Cameron is on the tv! It’s muted but I’m pretty sure he’s just saying, “Fags must die, Jesus Jesus Jesus,” over and over.

I may not be a genius but at least I don’t have a button stuck up my nose anym- Dammit. HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING???

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. So “Taye Diggs” isn’t slang for “nice house”?

Hey guess what? If you can still do your sport at an Olympic level, YOU ARE DOING OKAY. Unless you are a shooter: Those guys are way porky.

“I’m keeping your sperm.” #4WordsAfterABreakup

I am tweeting from my smartphone! This sentence took me eight minutes. I am hooked into the machine!

Having very difficult-to-resist urges to poke new smartphone’s screen to see HOW fragile it really is. Just a little poke. Poke. Poke. POKE!

The only part of that Gotye song that I sing along to is the little “bwwwwring!” xylophone-sounding bit. It speaks to my heart.

When I was 13 a girl in my class quoted Smash Mouth in her English presentation and now she’s a lesbian.

I’m thinking of a number between one and ten. Guess which one. WRONG IT WAS DEVON SAWA WITH HIS SHIRT OFF.

“Bernice, you can’t wear tartan, you just don’t have the attitude for it,” I admonished, but she didn’t answer because she was an egg whisk.

I always order “a pint, please” in pubs in the hope that one day it will be a pint of ICE CREAM!

I pronounce it “vinegré” because I’m not a dirty RACIST and also because I’m wearing my beret today.

Knock knock, who’s there, it’s ME, let me in and give me wine and cheese and let me put my feet on your sofa and touch all your stuff.

I pretend I have a kind of hood pass with British celebrities because I was on Neighbours that time. “I’ve met Harold, I know the score.”

Last night I woke up thirsty AND having to pee so I went back to sleep and did nothing because it was too much to deal with all at once.

More like Mickey SPOUSE! (If Mickey Rourke was your wife.)

So, is “swag” a thing, like a swag bag for old Aussie bushman? Or is it “swagger” like when you walk with a full diaper? CONFUSE!

Don’t you hate it when you’re in love with someone but you’re afraid they’ll laugh at your nest of genital bees?

“No!” I shrieked at my ghost writer. “This autobigrigrappy is awful! TOO MANY WORDS!” So I wrote it myself and it was a drawing of a beetle.

Advertisements

8 responses to “Tweets

  • Dominika

    Will you marry me? I promise I won’t make you get rid of any hostages you’ve got locked in the attic.

  • Eduardo

    Hi Bridge!

    Hey I´m From Mexico, you have an email or something to contact you? i would like to have an interview with you, it would be nice!

    Greetings from the other side of the world!

  • Darah

    Hi brdiget! my name is Darah and I’m from Mexico. Do you still use your hotmail? Could we communicate by this means, or maybe you have facebook? sorry that my english is so bad but not speak it. hugs and kisses from Mexico

  • Артём

    Hi Brigitte! My name is Artem I’m from Belarus that is very far from Australia. I don’t know the Anglican as in Belarus speak Russian , so the carriage through a translator , I’m your big fan , I watched a lot of movies with your participation, such as “wicked Science” “Gwen Jones student of Merlin” “the neighbors”, etc. Thanks for all these movies with Your membership to watch it much more interesting

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: