The shocking truth about relationships revealed. Read it now before the government shuts us down for being too real.
With special guest conspirator Mark Cippola.
The following brochure has been authorised, circulated and funded by the International Comedians’ Guild. Sponsored and endorsed by Women’s Magazines Inc.
Originally published in 1923.
This edition copyright 2012.
CONGRATULATIONS on the six-month anniversary of your nuptials! We at the International Comedians’ Guild (ICG), in association with Women’s Magazines Inc., are super thrilled for you and hope your new marriage is a never-ending teacup ride of delight, excitement and unconditional love.
Please find enclosed two complimentary pamphlets that we’ve prepared to help each of you be the best Other Half you can. Feel free to take a moment to find a quiet place, away from your snuggums, to read through this information carefully. After all, they deserve your best, don’t they?
Are you alone? Make sure you’re alone.
Aha. Ahahaha. AhahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You beautiful, stupid, pathetic creature.
It’s too late for you now. You’ve been holding this pamphlet for, what, fifteen seconds? More than enough time for our specially-created serum to be absorbed into your skin. No point in dropping the paper now: It’s already done.
What were you thinking, you silly bitch? Did you think that you could be HAPPY in your relationship? Did you think that you and your partner could be friends, equals, lovers and perfectly content human beings, secure in your relationship with and respect for one another?
Fuck you. That’s not how this is done.
We comedians have to make a living, you know. We have to eat! We have to pay rent! We can’t do that if you don’t give us something to work with. And women’s magazines – do you think that women with healthy self-esteem in good relationships buy women’s magazines?
My god, you’re so naïve and selfish that I just threw my bottle of Hendricks at the cat. Now he won’t come out from under the bed for three days because cats hold a grudge. Dogs, see, dogs you can do anything to and they’re just happy you’re paying attention to them. “Hey, human, can we play that game again where you throw a disgusting old tennis ball into the mud and I bring it back to you with my mouth? IT’S THE BEST GAME EVER!” See, right there, BANG, comedy gold because cats and dogs are DIFFERENT, and they FIGHT, and that’s the way it’s always been and you will NOT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!
So now you’ve touched this pamphlet. The serum has gotten into your bloodstream and will soon be absorbed by your brain by methods of evil doctor sciencing. You should notice the effects within 24 hours. Think of it like tabs of acid, but instead of a psychedelic journey through the cosmos, being overwhelmed by the scale of the universe, and it being narrated by Carl Sagan, for the rest of your life, you will be under our control and you will weep salty, hot, mascara-ruining tears every day at the thought that you were ever so hopelessly foolish as to think that YOUR marriage would be different.
You should have watched more sitcoms, Samantha. You should have listened to more FM talkback radio. Fuck, you should have seen more stand-up comedians perform. There are thousands of jobs relying on marriage and relationships being horrible, soul-destroying things and you have no right to try and change that with your stupid happiness.
No more, Samantha. No more.
The list of behavioural alterations you will experience as a result of this drug should include but not be limited to:
- Feeling a sharp pain in your brain whenever you think about initiating sex or agreeing to have sex without making up at least three excuses to get out of it first (eg: Headache, constipation, vaginal fissures).
- Overwhelming nausea if you go more than 24 hours without talking about how much you want a baby.
- The physical inability to respond to any good news your husband shares without tacking on a selfish, passive-aggressive coda. Eg: Him: “I just got a raise!” You: “That’s great! Now you can afford to fly up and visit my mother with me next weekend, because that was the only thing stopping you, right? The money thing? You said it was just the money. So yay! We’re going on a trip!”
- The physical inability to say the words, “No, it’s fine,” without pursing your lips, frowning and gritting your teeth.
- Severe vertigo if you don’t text or call your husband at least five times per hour when he’s working late or out with friends.
- Muscles suddenly going lax and ineffective if it seems like you’re about to be ready on time.
- A genuine feeling of emotional connection to the songs of Taylor Swift, Missy Higgins, Seeker Lover Keeper, Kelly Clarkson, and any blonde woman under 25 who poses with an acoustic guitar on her concert posters.
- Your ears will translate talk about sports, cars, office work, and your husband’s friends into the discordant drone of a lone French horn playing the Neighbours theme song at half speed.
Also, if you don’t buy at least two affiliated Women’s Magazines™ every month, we will infect your loved ones with the AIDS virus. (See overleaf for a list of approved magazines and a voucher for 15% off your first purchase.)
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. As you’ve been reading this, your husband has been infected in the other room. The sound of your voice now grates on his ears at the exact pitch of a dying coyote. If he tries to contact you through any kind of electronic medium (phone, text, email, etc) at any time, he will hear the 1997 Hanson Christmas album Snowed In on loop in his head for no less than 48 hours. If he doesn’t use the words “nag”, “ball and chain” or “old bag” when talking about you to friends, his anus will prolapse.
For nearly 100 years, we comedians and women’s magazines have controlled you stupid consumers by maintaining the status quo of unhappy relationships and obvious, incompatible differences between the sexes. We’re not about to let your plans for happiness spoil that, Samantha. We’re not doing this because we want you to suffer. We’re doing this because that’s the way things are, and that’s the way they’re going to stay.
NOTE: If you try to discuss this with anyone, your tongue will turn itself inside-out. Everyone’s a part of this, Samantha. Don’t think you can fight it.