So you’re thinking of becoming a parent.
HOORAY! (smiley face) (picture of balloons and confetti)
Or BOO. (angry face) (picture of Jason Segal’s scrotum)
We will decide which official reaction to have upon reviewing your responses to the following questions. Remember, the answers are evaluated on a sliding scale. There are no “right” or “wrong” answers (though there are clearly answers that are more right than others). Good luck!
1) Of the following, which would you identify as your primary reason for wanting to have children?
a) I think I’m awesome and I want to make an awesome littler version of me, because that would be awesome.
b) The creation of another human being to love, nurture, cherish and help to grow.
c) Kidneys/liver/lungs/other organs eligible for donation.
d) Unresolved rage and other issues boiling inside you that need to be vented through the physical, emotional or mental torment of someone smaller than you.
e) Everyone else has one.
2) You’ve just come home from a busy day at work. You turn around for ten seconds to take off your tie/lady tie and when you turn back, your toddler has smeared peanut butter all over the cat. Which of the following is the best way to respond?
a) Let them sort it out between themselves. The kid may lose an eye or two but at least they won’t be coddled from you fighting their battles for them.
b) Say, “NO!” in a firm voice and explain to the child why animals need to be treated carefully.
c) Say, “Ha ha, joke’s on you, you’re allergic to peanut butter, you fucking idiot!” and make the child lick the cat clean.
d) Eat the cat. Peanut butter is freaking delicious.
e) Change the child’s name to Milton as punishment.
3) As a parent, you will frequently find your sleep patterns disturbed/non-existent. What resources will you utilise to help you in these times?
a) The support of friends and family.
b) The fire alarm. If the baby’s not on fire, it’s probably not worth getting up for.
c) Weed/other relaxants.
d) Speed/other stimulants.
e) Holding the baby’s nose and mouth shut, not to like KILL it or anything, but just long enough so it shuts the fuck up already. It’s fine. See, it’s still breathing. It’s all good.
4) How long is an appropriate amount of time to leave your infant unattended in the car while you attend to other matters (groceries, banking, pokies, etc)?
a) Is this a trick question? None!
b) Is this a trick question? All day! As long as the window’s cracked a bit, obv.
c) About an hour.
d) About an hour, but if it’s a hot day you have to throw a towel over the kid so it doesn’t get sunburned.
e) N/A: I’m gonna strap my kid to the roof of my car so it doesn’t get throw up or poop or anything on the seats.
5) When is it appropriate to strike your child?
a) When it makes noise when you’re trying to think.
b) After your boss yells at you or your partner makes you feel belittled.
c) When it makes you realise you’ve wasted your life and mocks you by being younger than you all the time. Smug little shit.
d) When the child is in physical danger – slapping his or her hand away from a hot stove, eg.
e) What, like, each individual strike or do we count slamming their head into the wall for ten minutes as “one”?
6) Please select what you believe to be the best menu option for your child’s dinner.
a) Anything with a balanced amount of protein, carbs, and veggies that’s nicely portion-controlled.
b) Whatever you don’t feel like finishing from your own meal.
c) A Subway meat and cheese sub with extra cheese. It’s not fast food: It’s SUBWAY.
d) Protein bars and straps of jerky from 7/11.
e) Microwaved meat pie and a couple of cans of Coke.
7) Please complete the following sentence: “When I am home with my children and need to get something done (housework, an important email, eg), I will _________________.”
a) Get the thing done. What? What’s so hard about oh shit my friend just called, his son got his hand stuck in the blender, holy shit how does stuff like this HAPPEN???
b) Wait until my children are asleep, then stand at the foot of their bed and scream hysterically until they wake up, then make them do my work for me while they’re full of adrenaline.
c) Ignore it. Ignore the kids. Drink until I pass out.
d) N/A: The kids will be in front of the TV/locked outside/beaten unconscious any time I’m home alone with them.
e) Wait, I’ll have to do other stuff AND take care of kids? What? How can I do all that stuff at once? I don’t understand why this is happening to me. This is really stressful. Mum, can you come over? I need your help. Oh also bring laundry powder because I need you to do some washing too, thanks.
8) The proper way to change a diaper is:
a) Front to back.
b) Back to front.
c) Put a new one over the old one when it starts leaking.
d) Just let the kid be naked and hose it down when it gets too crusty.
e) Leave the kid in the laundry sink until it’s three years old. Diapers are disgusting.
9) It’s important to get your child vaccinated:
a) At birth for Hepatitis B, then at two months, four months, six months, twelve months, and eighteen months for diseases such as tetanus, Whooping Cough, and measles.
b) If they start looking yellow or get a rash that doesn’t go away after a couple of months.
c) If you’re going to take them to Bali.
d) TRICK QUESTION! NEVER! Immunisations cause autism and brain damage and mind control by the government! No way, man, not my kid.
e) If it starts getting bitey, because you don’t want to catch anything.
10) A good time to teach your child about sex is:
a) That’s such a vulgar word. There’s no need to teach children about that. Let’s not be crude about this. They’re only young; don’t sully their ears. They’ll work it out on their wedding night.
b) The first time they catch you masturbating/having sex with your partner.
c) The first time you catch them masturbating/doing what they think is sex to the family dog.
d) When they’re old enough to start asking questions about that kind of thing. Encourage them to come to you with questions and try to be honest and straightforward.
e) Oh. No. Woah now. Let’s not… Nope. No. It’s just… I’m not. Nope. Nope. Nope. Let the school handle that. Nope.
And now for two bonus points:
Bonus question one: Please list three activities that you can do with your child WITHOUT including the following: Hitting, yelling, watching TV, flicking beer caps/cigarette butts at them, hurting their feelings because it’s funny, kicking them, telling them how to feel about religion and politics, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, making fun of them, using them as a footstool or manservant.
Bonus question two: If your child grows up and begins to display a personality unlike the one you were attempting to create for it, what will you do? Choose one.
- Abandon the child and stop loving it. What’s the fucking point anymore?
- Love it anyway. It might not be a clone of you, but it’s an individual and that’s okay.
Thank you very much for taking the time to complete this quiz. By simply getting this far, you’ve met another of our important criteria: The ability to read. Well done! We will contact you within seven to ten business days with the results of this application.