Hi guys! I gave this entry a punny title as a guarantee that it only gets better from there, but then I used the word “punny” and ruined everything. Sorry about that.
Every now and then, I check the “search terms” that people type into google (or, if they’ve just powered through three-quarters of a bottle of vodka and feel like cutting themselves but don’t want to wind up in the emergency room again, Bing) to find this website. Sometimes it’s predictable: “bridget neval” Hurr dat’s mah nayme! Sometimes it’s obscure: “you bet your pierogi I’m Polish.”
But occasionally I’m given reason to feel bad for the people searching, because somehow the internet thought that my website would lead them to their answers and they must have been bitterly disappointed, like I was that time my dog and I were playing fetch and she brought back a human shin bone when I CLEARLY threw a human femur. There’s no fun in the game if you keep getting it WRONG, dog! Jesus. Go away. Just… go wait in the car. I can’t look at you right now.
So I want to help these people out. I’ve selected a few search terms that have led people to this site in vain. I want to make your life more vainy. Here. Have some answers.
Search term: “i hate fat black people”
Well that’s very specific. Have you ever thought about hating tall Hispanics instead? What about Sri Lankan’s with lisps? Middle-aged Ukrainian bullfighters with webbed toes? They’re probably doing just as much damage to your life as fat black people are.
Try to be less full of hate and more full of happy fun good things. It’s okay; it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Scientists have actually found that the effort it takes to figure out if you’ve got enough small coins left over from playing the pokies to buy The Herald Sun while mentally composing your next letter to Andrew Bolt actually leaves your brain with no space to remember to not be a big racist dickbag(1). Add to that the fact that you’re usually moving your lips as you count your change (and now, as you read this article) and it’s a wonder you’ve managed to remember to not leave the house smelling of stale cigarettes and drinking Jim Beam straight from the can.
Oh. Well. There’s always tomorrow.
Search term: “should sluts be raped”
Search term: “bridget neval nude youtube”
Aw, little sparrow. You adorable, innocent, beautiful wee snowflake of pure naivety. Youtube’s not going to give you any answers, silly button. They don’t bend that way, at least not officially.
If you’re not old/wise enough to know where to really search for nude pictures and videos on the internet, then I’m not going to tell you. Either you’re too young and I don’t want to get angry emails from your parents when they catch your wrist-deep inside a bodily orifice you were only vaguely aware existed before I lured you down the sordid path of creepy free internet porn, or you’re in a hospice for some reason or another and it’s probably time for your carer to come and tuck you back into your pants and show you how to clean your funnel because it’s soup night tonight.
For everyone else: No nude photos of me exist, on this website or anywhere else, but I promise that if I ever do take some the first thing I’ll do is post them on the internet. Pinky swear.
Search term: “how many men say they want a platonic friend as a ruse”
At last count, let’s see, hang on, carry the seven… Every single man who has ever existed and will ever exist.
That’s not to say that you don’t have a genuine friendship with your bros/homies or that every single man is only interest in one thing from human interaction. I just mean that from what my own male bromies have told me, it seems that they have all pretended to be happy being “just friends” with someone at least once while holding out hope that maybe one magical day, the friendship would change and everyone would get naked and peenies and ginies would touch all over.
I’m not singling men out here, though. The search term was specific, but I think we can all agree, if we’re really honest with ourselves, that ladies can lie just as well as mens. “Oh, I’m just one of the guys,” she insisted, conspicuously being the only one of the guys to touch up her makeup every fifteen minutes and wear a bra (except for Steve, but he had a medical condition and a note from his doctor about it). “It’s not like that with us. We’re just mates. Look at us wrestle! Look at us share food! Look at me sit on his lap and cling to his shoulders and touch his face, just like all his other platonic bros do! Right? RIGHT? Hahahahahaha JUST FRIENDS HAHAHAHAHA!”
Again, not saying that every girl with a bunch of male friends or tomboyish tendencies is doing it to attract guys. That’s stupid. But they do exist, lurking amongst the women with genuine interests in “man things” like footy and cars and being from the 1950s eating steak and feeding their wife Prozac. Just like for every guy who totally doesn’t mind hanging out with his female just-friend when she’s sick and making her soup and rubbing her back, there are some who go home crying into their laps all over their exploded testicles.
So yeah, platonic can happen. I’d just keep a healthy caution about someone’s motives if they’re always seeming to find excuses to be alone with you.
Search term: “what’s the fucking point of trying to save my marriage”
If you are thinking this at all, let alone writing it into a search engine, there is not a point in the world.
Bit of seriousness here: I know I’m just a wee sprog of a thing with nary a grey hair to show for me troubles and a fake Scottish accent, but I honestly believe that being happy with someone isn’t something you should have to force.
Compromise, be flexible, sometimes consciously remind yourself to treat your partner like they’re special, even though you see them every day and yesterday they asked you to check if they had a wart or a pimple or a half-burrowed tick on their back? Definitely. That’s normal, or so I hear from everyone in a decent long-term relationship.
But if you are truly, honestly miserable, get out.
It’s not fair on you, it’s not fair on your partner – whether they’re miserable or not, because if they’re not then you aren’t in the same relationship and that’s not honest – and it’s not fair on your kids if you have them. Trust me, it’s better to come from a family with parents who live in separate houses than parents who emanate hot stinking liquid loathing and depression from their every pore. Kids have a creepy way of picking up on that shit.
You thought it would be forever. It’s not. That sucks, it really does, but it’s a mistake. Don’t make a new mistake every day by forcing yourself to stay in an unbearable situation.
Also, I’m not religious so marriage vows don’t have those dire, Old-Testament-God connotations for me, but if you’re in a religion that values an “intact” marriage over years of unhappiness and tears, then I must repeat my advice from before: Get out.
Search term: “rubbing nutella all over my nude body”
I hope your previous search terms were “laying down a towel – not a good one! – over the bedspread”, “testing a small area of skin 24 hours previously to check for allergic reactions”, and “maybe eating the nutella instead because it’s delicious”.