Oh my giddy aunt’s fanny, it’s the pilot episode of The Unverified Podcast!
Hear my erotic fiction, Ben’s views on ‘Girls’, my amazing Sherlock impression and our failed attempt to bring Roseanne back to relevance.
Download in iTunes
“Listening to your podcast. Like, now. AS I TWEET!” – Mark Cippola, Twitter
“This better be the funniest fun I’ve ever had in my life or else I want my money back.” -Dan Hawkey, Facebook
“If you’ve ever met my wife, chances are you’ve heard her talk. Now hear her do it some more… With this guy.” -Amos Phillips, Facebook
“Bridget and Ben have a new podcast, and they asked me to plug it without any regard for their integrity.” -Paul Verhoeven, Twitter
The shocking truth about relationships revealed. Read it now before the government shuts us down for being too real.
With special guest conspirator Mark Cippola.
The following brochure has been authorised, circulated and funded by the International Comedians’ Guild. Sponsored and endorsed by Women’s Magazines Inc.
Originally published in 1923.
This edition copyright 2012.
CONGRATULATIONS on the six-month anniversary of your nuptials! We at the International Comedians’ Guild (ICG), in association with Women’s Magazines Inc., are super thrilled for you and hope your new marriage is a never-ending teacup ride of delight, excitement and unconditional love.
Please find enclosed two complimentary pamphlets that we’ve prepared to help each of you be the best Other Half you can. Feel free to take a moment to find a quiet place, away from your snuggums, to read through this information carefully. After all, they deserve your best, don’t they?
So you’re thinking of becoming a parent.
HOORAY! (smiley face) (picture of balloons and confetti)
Or BOO. (angry face) (picture of Jason Segal’s scrotum)
We will decide which official reaction to have upon reviewing your responses to the following questions. Remember, the answers are evaluated on a sliding scale. There are no “right” or “wrong” answers (though there are clearly answers that are more right than others). Good luck!
1) Of the following, which would you identify as your primary reason for wanting to have children?
a) I think I’m awesome and I want to make an awesome littler version of me, because that would be awesome.
b) The creation of another human being to love, nurture, cherish and help to grow.
c) Kidneys/liver/lungs/other organs eligible for donation.
d) Unresolved rage and other issues boiling inside you that need to be vented through the physical, emotional or mental torment of someone smaller than you.
e) Everyone else has one.
Hi guys! I gave this entry a punny title as a guarantee that it only gets better from there, but then I used the word “punny” and ruined everything. Sorry about that.
Every now and then, I check the “search terms” that people type into google (or, if they’ve just powered through three-quarters of a bottle of vodka and feel like cutting themselves but don’t want to wind up in the emergency room again, Bing) to find this website. Sometimes it’s predictable: “bridget neval” Hurr dat’s mah nayme! Sometimes it’s obscure: “you bet your pierogi I’m Polish.”
But occasionally I’m given reason to feel bad for the people searching, because somehow the internet thought that my website would lead them to their answers and they must have been bitterly disappointed, like I was that time my dog and I were playing fetch and she brought back a human shin bone when I CLEARLY threw a human femur. There’s no fun in the game if you keep getting it WRONG, dog! Jesus. Go away. Just… go wait in the car. I can’t look at you right now.
So I want to help these people out. I’ve selected a few search terms that have led people to this site in vain. I want to make your life more vainy. Here. Have some answers.
Search term: “i hate fat black people”