I’m writing this to you even though you’re not alive yet. Cool, huh? Right now, half of you exists in your dad’s balls and half of you exists in my… I dunno, ovary sack, I guess? I’m not a hundred percent on that one ‘cause I’m not a scientist.
Anyway, just wanted to tell you a few things while my head’s still clear and not filled with all the stuff I figure it’s gonna be filled with when you’re alive, like bills and diapers and poop and school fees and clothes and vet bills and shit. I only have a vague concept of parenthood that I got from that Steve Martin movie, Bringing Down The House, and it seems like it sucks so hard. It’s funny actually: By the time you read this, you’ve probably wrecked my life. HA! Sucked in, future me!
But right now I don’t have to worry about any of that stuff so I can talk to you about the important things, man to man (or woman-to-woman, in case you’re not a man and neither am I). I can’t be sure I’ve been consistent in teaching you proper values and ideals but in my defence, I was probably really really drunk for most of your early childhood. I’m probably still drunk: Look to your left. Am I passed out on the floor in the corner, wearing a bathrobe and one shoe, holding an empty bottle of rum? Yeah, I’ll do that sometimes. Go over and poke me to make sure I haven’t choked on my own vomit in the night. Ah, I’m sure you know the drill by now.
So. Life lessons.
Everyone’s gonna say that being a kid is the most magical, awesome time in your life. This is bullshit. Being a kid sucks balls. Ha ha, sucks to be you! Yeah it’s the worst. People tell you what to do and you don’t have any freedom or rights of your own, but you’re still expected to be responsible and polite and well-behaved. You have all the social expectations of adulthood with none of the basic human rights like being able to decide when you eat or what you do with your time. Like I said: Sucks balls.
Oh, you know what I hated when I was a kid? Being in line at a store and the guy at the counter just ignoring you. Like, dude, I’m standing right here with my allowance and this Archie comic I wanna buy: Don’t look over my head to the person behind me. I’m your customer. ME! ME! Look at my money and take it and also please can I have a bag of mixed lollies thank you.
Now that I’m a grown up, that doesn’t happen anymore and it’s awesome. Well sometimes it happens but only when I’m really wasted and the cashiers assume that the person standing behind me is my carer or nurse or whatever, so that’s an honest mistake.
Number two! (Haw haw, number two. Hopefully you’ve inherited my awesome sense of humour.)
Never watch a sequel. Just don’t. No matter how good the original was, how great the cast and the writers were and even if it’s all the same people making the second one: Don’t believe it. I don’t know why but this is just one of those absolute truth things that’s always true. Sequels are No.
Except Bad Boys 2, that movie fucking rocked.
If you’re a girl, and you’re in a guy’s car and he’s being a tool and you want to get out, just yell, “I HAVE MY PERIOD!” He will stop the car in record time, no worries. If possible, try to actually bleed on his seats because fuck that guy.
If you’re a guy, make sure your car always has towels for girls to sit on. And don’t be a tool.
Red Starbursts are the best Starbursts. Always try to steal the red ones if you see a big bowl of Starbursts.
Purple and green should never be seen
Together, except in a washing machine.
Also wearing brown and tan makes people looked like a gross squished moth, and beige pants freak everyone out because they’re like, “WOAH, that person’s not wearing pants! Oh wait, now that I’m closer I can see that they are in fact wearing pants, but for a second I thought they were half naked and it was alarming.”
Don’t wear band t-shirts out of the house because seriously, no one gives a shit. No – they really really don’t.
I think that’s everything! Um… Don’t let a dog lick the inside of your mouth, never trust anyone who likes black jellybeans and don’t ever get somebody’s name in a tattoo. Sweet! Live life and be rad. Now go wake future me up and make me a Bloody Mary.
Lots of love,