Elementary, My Dear Yankee

A few months ago, two American TV executives had a conversation. This is how it went:

“Sup, homie?”

“Not much bro, what’s up with you?”

“My girlfriend made me watch that show, Sherlock, with her on the weekend.”

Sherlock? Never heard of it. Is it a Modern Family spin-off?”

“Nah man, it’s not even on an American channel!”

“What?”

“Yeah dude, it’s BRITISH! Like, for real.”

“No way! You watched a British show?”

“Hand to god.”

“Oh dude. Did you catch gay?”

“Nah, I was drinking Budweisers and thinking about baseball and boobs for most of it so I think I’m good.”

“Sweet. Close call though.”

“Fuck yeah. Here’s the thing though. My girlfriend says that show’s like, crazy popular. Like, millions of viewers worldwide kinda thing.”

“No shit?”

“Yeah! It’s based on some book or something.”

“You mean Girl With A Dragon Tattoo.”

“No dude, another book.”

Harry Potter?”

“Yeah maybe. That’s British right? Yeah, it’s probably that one.”

“So what’s it about?”

“I dunno man, they didn’t have subtitles.”

“Aw, I hate when they do that!”

“I know! Like, some of us don’t speak Londonese or whatever the fuck.”

“So fucking rude.”

“But I was thinking, right, what if we made the show but in American so regular people can understand it?”

“Awesome! Like, take out the obscure references to UK shit like, I dunno, tea or whatever-“

“And put in Starbucks! Exactly! Set it in New York or somewhere so people can relate to it.”

“Is John Stamos free? I’m seeing him for the lead. That or maybe one of Angelina’s ex-husbands. They’re always good for ratings.”

“I’ll call Stamos’s agent. That’s another thing though. This show, it’s got two leads.”

“Yeah.”

“So they’re both guys. There’s not really any chicks in this show.”

“What about their wives?”

“They don’t have any.”

“Girlfriends? Anything?”

“Like I said, I couldn’t really understand what they were saying but there weren’t, like, ANY do-able chicks in the show at all.”

“Well that’s just fucking gay.”

“I know right? So here’s what I’m thinking…”

“Change one of the leads to a chick?”

“Bam. This is why I love you.”

“No homo.”

“No homo. So I’m thinking bombshell, sexy, Christina Hendricks but maybe ethnic, just so it looks good on the billboard. People freak over ethnic chicks on billboards.”

“I’ll look into it. What was the name of the book this was based on, again? We should see if there’s a copy available in American so we can see what we need to change.”

Harry Potter. Wait, no, shit. Uh, it’s on the tip of my tongue… Sherlock. Sherlock… something.”

“Oh hang on, I think I’ve heard of this. Isn’t that the thing that House was based on?”

“I dunno, maybe.”

“Yeah man, House was based on some fruity detective series from Britain. Sherlock Holmes, I swear that’s what it was called.”

“Wait, isn’t that a Robert Downey Jr movie?”

“Yeah, I think so! Is it the same thing?”

“I don’t know, maybe. The names are different though, right? In House?”

“Yeah I’m pretty sure they changed those.”

“And the Robert Downey Jr one is set in the past, so that’s like a steampunk version or something.”

“Okay, cool. Well I’d say we’re sweet!”

“Awesome. I’ll call my people, have the first draft over to you by the end of the week.”

“Rad.”

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About bridgetneval

Ex-actor who quit the biz, Batman and A-team fan, animal lover, on-and-off sufferer of depression and eating disorders, Canadian and Australian citizen (silly accent), hobbyist writer and occasional thinker of things. View all posts by bridgetneval

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