I’m writing this to you even though you’re not alive yet. Cool, huh? Right now, half of you exists in your dad’s balls and half of you exists in my… I dunno, ovary sack, I guess? I’m not a hundred percent on that one ‘cause I’m not a scientist.
Anyway, just wanted to tell you a few things while my head’s still clear and not filled with all the stuff I figure it’s gonna be filled with when you’re alive, like bills and diapers and poop and school fees and clothes and vet bills and shit. I only have a vague concept of parenthood that I got from that Steve Martin movie, Bringing Down The House, and it seems like it sucks so hard. It’s funny actually: By the time you read this, you’ve probably wrecked my life. HA! Sucked in, future me!