Category Archives: Humour
When I was about sixteen, I had a pair of school shoes that were really old. They had worn away at the soles, especially on the left hand side because there was a slope in the road I took to walk home from the train station after school.
The heels had big holes in them and were all sunken so I had to adjust the way I walked or I’d tilt backwards a bit. When I was bored I would poke my finger into the holes and make them move like little mouths. One day my left shoe got a rock in the heel through its hole. I got it out but another rock got in about three minutes later so I gave it up as Too Hard and carried on with my life.
One day I was in my school uniform at home and mum asked, “What’s that sound?”, and I said, “Oh, that’s my shoe rock!” She looked really horrified and was like, “We are getting you new shoes NOW. What is wrong with you???” And I was like, “Awww no, I don’t need new shoes, these ones still keep out the rain and (most of) the outside world and that’s all they’re meant to do so it’s fine!” And she looked at me like she was really horrified and baffled about how I turned out this way, like the mothers of gang leaders or Juggalos.
That weekend we had to go buy new shoes, and it was SO BORING and it took like TEN WHOLE MINUTES and it was TOTALLY UNNECESSARY because my old shoes were FINE. I didn’t even mind my shoe rock because it was kind of like a little mate who played percussion everywhere I went.
Last night, Amos made me buy new runners because they have holes in them (not even big enough for a shoe rock!) and have “lost grip”. They are fine. He made me spend like at LEAST six minutes looking at shoes online and having to pick one and THEN pick a colour like I ever look at my own shoes. He acted like he was doing me a FAVOUR making me do this.
Nobody gets me.
Oh my giddy aunt’s fanny, it’s the pilot episode of The Unverified Podcast!
Hear my erotic fiction, Ben’s views on ‘Girls’, my amazing Sherlock impression and our failed attempt to bring Roseanne back to relevance.
“Listening to your podcast. Like, now. AS I TWEET!” – Mark Cippola, Twitter
“This better be the funniest fun I’ve ever had in my life or else I want my money back.” -Dan Hawkey, Facebook
“If you’ve ever met my wife, chances are you’ve heard her talk. Now hear her do it some more… With this guy.” -Amos Phillips, Facebook
“Bridget and Ben have a new podcast, and they asked me to plug it without any regard for their integrity.” -Paul Verhoeven, Twitter
The shocking truth about relationships revealed. Read it now before the government shuts us down for being too real.
With special guest conspirator Mark Cippola.
The following brochure has been authorised, circulated and funded by the International Comedians’ Guild. Sponsored and endorsed by Women’s Magazines Inc.
Originally published in 1923.
This edition copyright 2012.
CONGRATULATIONS on the six-month anniversary of your nuptials! We at the International Comedians’ Guild (ICG), in association with Women’s Magazines Inc., are super thrilled for you and hope your new marriage is a never-ending teacup ride of delight, excitement and unconditional love.
Please find enclosed two complimentary pamphlets that we’ve prepared to help each of you be the best Other Half you can. Feel free to take a moment to find a quiet place, away from your snuggums, to read through this information carefully. After all, they deserve your best, don’t they?
So you’re thinking of becoming a parent.
HOORAY! (smiley face) (picture of balloons and confetti)
Or BOO. (angry face) (picture of Jason Segal’s scrotum)
We will decide which official reaction to have upon reviewing your responses to the following questions. Remember, the answers are evaluated on a sliding scale. There are no “right” or “wrong” answers (though there are clearly answers that are more right than others). Good luck!
1) Of the following, which would you identify as your primary reason for wanting to have children?
a) I think I’m awesome and I want to make an awesome littler version of me, because that would be awesome.
b) The creation of another human being to love, nurture, cherish and help to grow.
c) Kidneys/liver/lungs/other organs eligible for donation.
d) Unresolved rage and other issues boiling inside you that need to be vented through the physical, emotional or mental torment of someone smaller than you.
e) Everyone else has one.
Hi guys! I gave this entry a punny title as a guarantee that it only gets better from there, but then I used the word “punny” and ruined everything. Sorry about that.
Every now and then, I check the “search terms” that people type into google (or, if they’ve just powered through three-quarters of a bottle of vodka and feel like cutting themselves but don’t want to wind up in the emergency room again, Bing) to find this website. Sometimes it’s predictable: “bridget neval” Hurr dat’s mah nayme! Sometimes it’s obscure: “you bet your pierogi I’m Polish.”
But occasionally I’m given reason to feel bad for the people searching, because somehow the internet thought that my website would lead them to their answers and they must have been bitterly disappointed, like I was that time my dog and I were playing fetch and she brought back a human shin bone when I CLEARLY threw a human femur. There’s no fun in the game if you keep getting it WRONG, dog! Jesus. Go away. Just… go wait in the car. I can’t look at you right now.
So I want to help these people out. I’ve selected a few search terms that have led people to this site in vain. I want to make your life more vainy. Here. Have some answers.
Search term: “i hate fat black people”
My Bon Vivant article about how you’re probably way more annoying than you think you are, but that’s okay because everybody is.
In this Bon Vivant article, I will take you through an easy step-by-step guide to throwing a party without ever forgetting that you’re a huge loser and no one will come anyway so what’s the point?
(Response to this article by Samantha Brick in The Daily Mail, 03 April 2012, in which Brick claims that “women hate beautiful women”.)
Hello, Samantha! :)
I’m gonna massively mess with your mind right now: I’m not gonna tell you what I look like. I’m not gonna say what my ethnicity is, my hair or eye colour, my height, weight, shoe size: Nothing. I’m also not going to give my opinion of your looks. All we need to know about each other is that we are both women, and one of us wrote an article that made me want to peel all my skin off (Hint: That was you). Continue reading