Monthly Archives: June 2012

28/06/2012

Unverified: Pilot podcast

By bridgetneval

Oh my giddy aunt’s fanny, it’s the pilot episode of The Unverified Podcast!

Hear my erotic fiction, Ben’s views on ‘Girls’, my amazing Sherlock impression and our failed attempt to bring Roseanne back to relevance.

Direct download

Download in iTunes

Listener reviews:

“Listening to your podcast. Like, now. AS I TWEET!” – Mark Cippola, Twitter

“This better be the funniest fun I’ve ever had in my life or else I want my money back.” -Dan Hawkey, Facebook

“If you’ve ever met my wife, chances are you’ve heard her talk. Now hear her do it some more… With this guy.” -Amos Phillips, Facebook

“Bridget and Ben have a new podcast, and they asked me to plug it without any regard for their integrity.” -Paul Verhoeven, Twitter

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humour, Real Life

22/06/2012

Jesse Jazz

By bridgetneval

I made this. Jazz on, Jesse. I miss you.

1 comment   |  tags: | posted in Humour, Real Life

22/06/2012

Marriage Pamphlet

By bridgetneval

The shocking truth about relationships revealed on Bon Vivant. Read it now before the government shuts us down for being too real.

With special guest conspirator Mark Cippola.

Marriage Pamphlet

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , | posted in Humour

19/06/2012

Jesse, Wake Up

By bridgetneval

Jesse, wake up

I’m not done with you yet

My face is buried in your neck

My nose is getting wet

 

Your little fur tuxedo

Is slowly turning red

I don’t mind when your wingtips smear

rough dirt across my bed

 

It smells like something’s rotting

Your bones are poking through

But you’ve always had that stinky breath

And the bones are shaped like you

 

Your head lies on my pillow

Though your ears are much too long

Your neck will get a cramp because

the angle was all wrong

 

Jesse, wake up

We’re going to the beach

If you can’t swim that far yet

You can stand on me

 

I’m lucky to have had you

I knew that before you left

Do you know anything about

this sumo wrestler on my chest?

 

Jesse, wake up

Close your eyes

You can’t go back to sleep

You can’t leave the table

With a bowl that’s not empty

 

Jesse, wake up

Please don’t go

We want to fix you up

I’ve got some spare nuts and bolts

From the old computer hub

 

Jesse, wake up

You can rest

Your neck won’t get a cramp

I’ll keep your wingtips clean for you

In case you want to dance

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , | posted in Real Life

13/06/2012

Sweeping Generalisations: I Hate “Actors”

By bridgetneval

It’s my blog and I’ll make sweeping generalisations if I want to…

I’ve noticed that every time someone I’m talking to starts a sentence with, “As an actor…”, three things are true:

1)    It is uttered unprompted, when we were not talking about acting in any way at all.

2)    The person speaking is not, as their statement would imply, actually making a living as an actor.

3)    All I hear is, “ME ME ME validate me for pretending to be in an industry that contributes nothing ME ME ME ACTING FAME WANKERY CRAFT AUTOGRAPHS STANISLAVSKI ME!”

Continue reading

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , | posted in Humour, Real Life

08/06/2012

Application For Prospective Parents

By bridgetneval

So you’re thinking of becoming a parent.

HOORAY! (smiley face) (picture of balloons and confetti)

Or BOO. (angry face) (picture of Jason Segal’s scrotum)

We will decide which official reaction to have upon reviewing your responses to the following questions. Remember, the answers are evaluated on a sliding scale. There are no “right” or “wrong” answers (though there are clearly answers that are more right than others). Good luck!

1)    Of the following, which would you identify as your primary reason for wanting to have children?

a)    I think I’m awesome and I want to make an awesome littler version of me, because that would be awesome.

b)    The creation of another human being to love, nurture, cherish and help to grow.

c)    Kidneys/liver/lungs/other organs eligible for donation.

d)    Unresolved rage and other issues boiling inside you that need to be vented through the physical, emotional or mental torment of someone smaller than you.

e)    Everyone else has one.

Continue reading

2 comments | posted in Humour

06/06/2012

Search Term Problems

By bridgetneval

Hi guys! I gave this entry a punny title as a guarantee that it only gets better from there, but then I used the word “punny” and ruined everything. Sorry about that.

Every now and then, I check the “search terms” that people type into google (or, if they’ve just powered through three-quarters of a bottle of vodka and feel like cutting themselves but don’t want to wind up in the emergency room again, Bing) to find this website. Sometimes it’s predictable: “bridget neval” Hurr dat’s mah nayme! Sometimes it’s obscure: “you bet your pierogi I’m Polish.”

But occasionally I’m given reason to feel bad for the people searching, because somehow the internet thought that my website would lead them to their answers and they must have been bitterly disappointed, like I was that time my dog and I were playing fetch and she brought back a human shin bone when I CLEARLY threw a human femur. There’s no fun in the game if you keep getting it WRONG, dog! Jesus. Go away. Just… go wait in the car. I can’t look at you right now.

So I want to help these people out. I’ve selected a few search terms that have led people to this site in vain. I want to make your life more vainy. Here. Have some answers.

Search term: “i hate fat black people”

Continue reading

1 comment   |  tags: , , | posted in Humour, Real Life

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