Hello! So I wrote a piece a couple of days ago about the behaviour/assumed mindset of certain types of men who act in a sexually-aggressive way towards women.
Mostly it’s been well-received. Danke for de RTs and referrals and nice replies and things.
One reader’s comment, though, really grinded my gears, particularly in light of the victim-blaming that’s been exploding all over Melbourne’s face recently like [censored] when Sasha Grey did the thing with [censored] in that online video I never watched.
Someone on ye olde Book of Face rejected my blog post not because he didn’t realise it was satire, which I’d worried about when I posted it, but because he “refuse[d] to believe” that the things I described were the common experiences of most women.
I replied that he is very lucky to not be a woman so he can choose to believe that.
The thing is, the stuff I wrote about (getting yelled at by guys in cars, being physically intimidated on the footpath, being groped in clubs) was deliberately chosen to be broad and undeniable. I didn’t write about specific instances of hard-core harassment and rape, which absolutely do happen with horrific frequency as well, because I wanted that post to be about the more general, everyday harassment that is often overlooked.
It’s easy for anyone, male or female, who’s been raised with Australian/western sensibilities to look at gang-rapes and honour killings and denounce them as the actions of savages. It seems to be less clear cut when dealing with harassment that’s less physically devastating, which makes it all the more insidious.
I’m not writing a debate about this because my views are so strong – particularly regarding the culture of blokes turning a blind eye to their mates’ behaviour – that if I start, I will write a book. For a more comprehensive and better-written analysis of the mindsets behind everyday sexism and victim-blaming, please refer to articles by people like Clementine Ford and Catherine Deveny.
This post is a list. I wrote my other “bro-shaming” article based on real things that have happened to me or to women in my life. I am going to list them in greater detail here. This kind of thing does happen, incredibly frequently, and if you are a man then you need to accept that. I’m not saying that all men do this, because they absolutely don’t, but I am saying that most women experience it. Hopefully it will give some context the next time a woman in your life reacts in a way that you see as extreme when this subject comes up, or when another man does something that you see as innocuous.
The following things have happened in Melbourne, Australia, to either me or my female friends/family:
- At a club, last weekend: A man pins a 23-year-old woman up against the wall. Gropes her, hugs her, won’t let go. She pushes him away. He snaps, “Come on, you’re not wearing leopard print for nothing.” She’s wearing a high-cut black dress, thick tights, ankle boots and a leopard print cardigan.
- On the street, last weekend: Another 23-year-old woman is walking down the street. Man yells, “$50!” out the window of his car to her.
- On the street, a couple of months ago: My mother (age withheld because she’s prim like that) was walking her dogs. Man yells, “Old hag!” at her from his car.
- On the street, last week: Young woman walks past a group of construction workers to her house. They make her squeeze past them, laughing and making comments about her as she does. They keep watching as she gets out her keys and enters her house, alone.
- Train station, last month: Mid-20s woman needs to validate her Myki to board the train. Male Metro workers are crowded around the only Myki machine that’s working. Woman says, “Excuse me,” and tries to get through. They don’t move, forcing her to squeeze through/against them as she touches on. They stare, laugh and make comments.
- At a club, years ago: A young girl is dancing. A random man sticks his hand down her pants, into her underwear. He tells her she shouldn’t have been dancing like that because it got him worked up.
- At a house party, years ago: A girl is passed out in a bedroom. Her friends know this. Two of her male friends see another man go into the room. They do nothing. Later, she tells friends that she woke up to find someone having sex with her. One friend shrugs awkwardly. A female friend says that “it takes two to tango”.
- On the street in the CBD, every day: I (27, wearing conservative office clothes) walk around at lunchtime. Businessmen walk 3+ abreast on the footpath, not yielding when I pass. Whatever their motivation/lack thereof due to obliviousness, the result is that I’m either slammed into a building as they shoulder-check me because there’s no room, or forced to squeeze between them.
- On the street, a few months ago: My sister and I walk past a construction site, wearing jogging clothes. Workers stare at us and make comments for the entire length of the building site. We feel judged, exposed, threatened and kind of nauseous by the end.
- On the street, last week: Me again, hello. Walking home from work, still in my office clothes. Two men in a construction truck hoot and yell at me while I wait at a crossing. As usual when this happens, I’m grateful for my ipod which prevents me from hearing exactly what was called out.
- On Brunswick Street, last year: Three young women are cornered by three men, who herd them against a wall so they can’t leave. The women don’t want to seem/be called rude, so they try to leave without making a fuss. One man puts his arm around a girl, who sidles away. Another man whispers filth in another girl’s ear. Third woman finally snaps at them to please leave. One of the men gets in her face and says, “You would say that, you’re the fattest, ugliest one here.”
- Years ago, at a train station: I was 14. A male friend of a friend asked if he could kiss me. I said no. He grabbed me and did it anyway. When I pulled back, he said, “Are you frigid?”
- On the tram, last year: I’m dressed in jeans and a nice top to go to a friend’s dinner. Men across the tram start loudly commenting on what I’m wearing, rating my appearance overall and talking about how much of a bitch I must be because I can obviously hear what they’re saying but I’m not talking to them.
- On the train, too many times to count: I’ve caught public transport (alone) to school and work for over ten years. Many times, groups of men have sat down around me, putting arms around me, trying to talk, asking what I’m reading/listening to/thinking. More than once I’ve been asked which station I’m getting off at and where I live. When I ignore them or only engage with short dismissive answers, I’ve been called rude, frigid, a bitch, not even that hot, ugly, fat, and a lesbian.
- At a club, last month: I wrote about this one. I’m out having birthday drinks for a friend in a baggy but appropriate dress. A man I don’t know tells me that I look like a prostitute, and is baffled when I don’t consider it a compliment.
- At a house party, a couple of years ago: A man who was twice my size grabs me from behind and picks me up, putting me on his shoulder like a puppet/weird parrot. He didn’t ask if he could do this – he just could so he did.
- At a train station, several years ago: Trains are broken so everyone files out to catch the connecting buses. I’m going to school, so I’m in my uniform with a backpack on. In the crush as we’re walking, someone gropes my butt and squeezes their hand between my legs, up my dress, from behind. It’s too crowded to turn around and see who it was.
These are just the stories from my own experience, and that have been relayed to me by friends, that I can recall off the top of my head. I’m sure there are more I could tell you.
The point is that if you know a woman, she’s probably had at least one experience like that. We know, as women, what we’re potentially facing when we leave the house: Not just major assaults like rape or abduction, but comments, looks, leers, gropes… It doesn’t happen every day and it definitely isn’t something that all men do or condone, but it’s too common to ignore.
