This is my life

This conversation happened about an hour ago.

Amos: I stepped in dog poo today. It went through my toes.

Me: …You were in bare feet?

Amos: Yeah. Then it happened again. A bunch of times. (sad face)

Me: Why were you in bare feet cleaning up dog poo? Why didn’t you put shoes on AFTER STEPPING IN POOP?

Amos: It’s easier to clean poo off feet than get it out of the bottoms of shoes.

Me: Have you at least, um, had a shower?

Amos: Yeah. Well, I cleaned my feet in the sink.

Me: What?

Amos: I used laundry powder.

Me: Why???

Amos: Because it was the only thing I could reach. My feet were already in the sink.

Me: You are not a great forward-planner.

Amos: No. (sad face)


Dear Jesse

Dear Jesse,

You’re lucky you can’t read, because I’m about to yell at you.

Screw you, adorable puppy.

Continue reading


Three Infuriating Things (That Everybody Does)

My Bon Vivant article about how you’re probably way more annoying than you think you are, but that’s okay because everybody is.

Read it here!


Sluts: Should We Rape Them (And Do They Want Us To???)?

TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic descriptions of rape.

Hello! Me and my big mouth again.

It’s been a year since Slutwalk, the event that caused people to ask the question: “What are women getting in such a tizz about now? Did someone cancel The View? Has something happened with shoes?”

Of course, those were only certain types of people. Unfortunately, those types seem to be very noisy and have taken to their blogs and forums, both one year ago and now, to rage against this feminist machine and cry outrage at the thought of women congregating en masse for a purpose other than a quilting bee or mass marriage to a cult leader.

These types of people have things to say! And points of view! And objections! Unfortunately, nearly everything that comes dribbling out of their brains and sloshing onto the keyboard is batshit lunacy.

I want to save you, my delightful and good-looking blog readers, the trouble of wading through myriads of posts like this one until, if you’re like me, you start playing a drinking game by yourself with a bottle of cooking sherry and getting tanked because people keep saying that women don’t take enough responsibility for being gang-raped when they’re wearing a singlet. I have condensed the ravings of those who think that feminism is solely designed to set men’s souls and favourite toys on fire into this handy little list.

Continue reading


How To Throw A Party

In this Bon Vivant article, I will take you through an easy step-by-step guide to throwing a party without ever forgetting that you’re a huge loser and no one will come anyway so what’s the point?

Read it here!


Open Letter To Samantha Brick

(Response to this article by Samantha Brick in The Daily Mail, 03 April 2012, in which Brick claims that “women hate beautiful women”.)

Hello, Samantha! :)

I’m gonna massively mess with your mind right now: I’m not gonna tell you what I look like. I’m not gonna say what my ethnicity is, my hair or eye colour, my height, weight, shoe size: Nothing. I’m also not going to give my opinion of your looks. All we need to know about each other is that we are both women, and one of us wrote an article that made me want to peel all my skin off (Hint: That was you). Continue reading


A Letter To My Unborn Child

‘Sup nigga,

I’m writing this to you even though you’re not alive yet. Cool, huh? Right now, half of you exists in your dad’s balls and half of you exists in my… I dunno, ovary sack, I guess? I’m not a hundred percent on that one ‘cause I’m not a scientist.

Anyway, just wanted to tell you a few things while my head’s still clear and not filled with all the stuff I figure it’s gonna be filled with when you’re alive, like bills and diapers and poop and school fees and clothes and vet bills and shit. I only have a vague concept of parenthood that I got from that Steve Martin movie, Bringing Down The House, and it seems like it sucks so hard. It’s funny actually: By the time you read this, you’ve probably wrecked my life. HA! Sucked in, future me!

Continue reading


Terrible Restaurant Review

(Published at Bon Vivant on 27 March 2012)

I eat a lot. Sometimes I do it in my house, enjoying the lavish and delightful cookings of my flatmates or the magic people who bring foodstuffs to your door after you enter your credit card details into their website. Sometimes I cook for myself, creating tastebud tantalisers such as toast with avocado, toast with cheese, and toasted cheese and avocado sandwiches (to name but a few).

… Continue Reading


Open Letter to Bob Katter, Rick Santorum et al

(Published at Bon Vivant on 15 March 2012)

Hiiiiiiiii guuuuuuyyyyys!

‘Sup?

Dudes, I just wanna say, super massive big-up props for the whole “gays are lesser beings, let’s not pretend they’re equals” thing. I mean, one minute it’s asking for gay sex ed in the classroom, then marriage, then they’ll be wanting to sit at the table at dinnertime like they’re people.

…Continue Reading


In The Interest Of Disclosure

What? Poetry? What the hell do I think this is, hipster Tumblr wankery land?

In The Interest Of Disclosure by B Phillips, 12 March 2012

In the interest of disclosure

Before we settle down

Before I pin you to my wall

And turn you upside-down. Continue reading


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